By Michael Cochran & Meghan Cole
Most people imagine pedophiles as ugly old men dressed in trench coats, hiding in the bushes, waiting to snatch young children off the street. However, recent television shows, such as To Catch a Predator, have exposed pedophiles as local neighbors, trusted friends, clergy, babysitters, teachers, and even family members.
Conceptions about pedophiles have been changing rapidly, and pedophilia has recently become a topic of increased awareness and concern. Not only do television shows expose pedophiles, but there are new sexual offender disclosure laws, websites that track convicted sexual offenders, and more investigations of pedophilia, especially after the sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church. Yet children still remain vulnerable to sexual offenders regardless of their public façade.
The increasing attention on pedophilia has caused many Americans to question what this disorder entails, its characteristics, and what type of treatment should be sought for abusers. What is pedophilia? Do people choose to be pedophiles or are they born that way? This post will address these questions.
Pedophilia
The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) defines pedophilia as recurrent sexually arousing fantasies, impulsive desires, or behaviors involving sexual acts with a child and that occur over a period of at least six months. In most cases, the pedophile is at least sixteen years of age and at least five years older than the child. Those who suffer from pedophilia have a compulsion to abuse young children.
Categorizing Pedophiles
Pedophiles can be classified in several ways. Pedophilia can be characterized as either exclusive or non-exclusive. Exclusive pedophiles are attracted only to children. They show no interest in sexual partners who are not prepubescent children. This desire prolongs even when they are not in the presence of children. Non-exclusive pedophiles are attracted to both adults and children. A large percentage of male pedophiles are homosexual or bisexual in orientation to children, meaning they are attracted to male children or both male and female children (Schiffer, 2008).
Many people assume that only males are pedophiles. However, case studies on pedophilia have demonstrated that female pedophilia does exist (Chow, 2002). Although this is a rare phenomenon, females who meet the DSM-IV criteria for pedophiles display similar cognitive distortions to that of males, such as irrational thoughts. Some differences, however, do exist among males and females. Females who exhibit pedophilia tend to suffer from psychiatric disorders or substance abuse problems. Also, there is a higher correlation between sexual abuses as a child with females compared to males.
What Causes Pedophilia?
The etiology of pedophilia can be attributed to both biological and environmental factors. Case studies indicate that cerebral dysfunction may be a contributing or dominant factor of pedophilia (Scott, 1984), including problems with self-control, extreme urges, and cognitive distortions. Many experts also believe that disorders for sexual preferences emerge from childhood experiences during critical periods in human development (DiChristina, 2009). In many cases, child sex abusers suffer from traumatic experiences during their childhood.
More specifically, pedophiles tend to also have been molested as children. As children, they lacked the ability to control the situation. By sexually assaulting children, pedophiles attempt to re-live the trauma they experienced and they learn how to master it. A complete role reversal gives them the upper hand and prevents them from being victimized. Overall, through the impact of cerebral dysfunction and traumatic development, the sexual urges and desires for children can become ingrained within a person’s nervous system.
Role of the Brain
There is significant evidence that indicate structural abnormalities in the brains of pedophiles (Schiffer, 2008). Abnormalities occur when the brain is developing and can be on-set through certain experiences, such as sexual abuse as a child. Abnormalities in the brains of pedophiles may result in compulsion, poor judgment, and repetitive thoughts.
These abnormalities in the brains of pedophiles are caused by early neurodevelopmental perturbations (Schiffer, 2008). The use of functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRIs) and positron emission tomography scans (PET) has revealed that the abnormalities of pedophiles exhibit appear in the frontal and central regions of the brain. In particular, there is a decreased volume of gray brain matter in the central striatum. As a result, the nucleus accumbens, orbital frontal cortex, and the cerebellum are all affected (Schiffer, 2008).
These areas of the brain play an important role in addictive behavior. The accumbens is the central mediator of reward signaling and expectation. The striatum and orbito frontal cortex control this reward system. As a result, this contributes to the etiology of pedophilia because a reward deficiency complication disturbs the neurotransmission of dopamine involved in compulsive and addictive behaviors.
Due to the frontotemporal dysfunctions, pedophilia shares neural characteristics with psychiatric disorders that fall in the range of the obsessive-compulsive (OC) spectrum. These impulsive disorders include pathological gambling, kleptomania, and even Tourettes syndrome. While some debate this claim (Schiffer et al., 2007), there is substantial evidence for the existence of physiological and genetic overlaps. In particular, studies have shown that alterations in the frontostriatal circuitry are a major abnormality leading to obsessive-compulsive behavior. Pedophiles tend to act inappropriately and exhibit poor judgment because they lack the ability to control their impulses.
These structural alterations underlie the antisocial behaviors exhibited by someone with pedophilia. Pedophiles are burdened with repetitive thoughts and urges. Consequently, they seek to fulfill these desires through behavior that is socially unacceptable and at times, even illegal. Most pedophiles express shame and guilt after partaking in their immoral behavior because their neurological dysfunctions deal strictly with urges and not emotions (Schiffer et al., 2007).
Is There a Cure?
Pedophilia, like many types of disturbances or diseases, does not have a complete cure. The sexual urges associated with pedophilia may never permanently disappear, and a person’s sexual preference and orientation can be difficult to completely re-orient. At present, treatment primarily focuses on preventing further offenses rather than changing sexual orientation.
Yuli Grebchenko, MD, has done extensive research on pedophiles. He noted that pedophilia is a life-long disorder and stated that, “It needs lifelong treatment” (Lamberg, 2005). Recent studies have demonstrated that psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy can be combined to bring about the most effective treatment to someone suffering from pedophilia (Kersebaum, 2007).
Therapy includes discussing traumatic events, especially those from the childhood of an abuser. Therapy also seeks to help patients identify situations that may tempt them to engage in harmful behaviors toward children. During therapeutic treatment, therapists may try to correct a patient’s cognitive disorder, which may include misperceptions that the child enjoyed the abuse.
The three standard pharmacotherapy treatments for pedophilia are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI), luteinizing hormone-releasing hormone (LHRH), and leuprolide acetate (LA) (Briken, 2003). These pharmacotherapy treatments target certain hormones and chemicals in the body, but have varying side effects. SSRIs are effective in less severe cases and patients often experience only sexual side effects (Kraus, 2007). In more serious cases, LA can reduce testosterone to extremely low levels along with pedophilic urges. While LA treatment is somewhat dangerous, it has been found to be very effective (Schober, 2005). The newest treatment drug, LHRH, reduces neural responsiveness to visual sexual stimuli and has very little side effects (Briken, 2003).
Today’s World
Most people are in denial that pedophilia exists in their community or home. Pedophiles, however, will go to great lengths to continue their compulsive behavior. They will volunteer in church youth groups, coach youth athletic teams, and find other ways to associate with potential victims. Many times, they place themselves in positions where they can easily meet children.
The Internet has become a common hunting ground to prey on children. Today more and more kids are using Facebook accounts. While Facebook acts as a social network to help link people together, the ability to create a profile displaying one’s personal information may indirectly be helping pedophiles find their next victim. Pedophiles can then befriend children and manipulate, trap, and lure their victims into a false sense of trust. Some pedophiles may pretend they are someone else, such as a classmate. Others develop friendship with children and then arrange meeting times and places so they can act upon and fulfill their sexual desires (Deirmenjian, 2009).
The Catholic Church frowns upon certain sexual behavior. Yet, priests were recently discovered to have engaged in sexual behavior with children. A great deal of hypocrisy surrounds the sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church. Over the course of the past two decades, the Church has struggled with confronting sex crimes committed by Catholic priests and religious orders against children. In many cases, the clergy suffered from pedophilia. These priests sexually abused minors, primarily male altar servers, and exerted power over these boys.
The children who fell victim to the clergy were easily accessible, vulnerable, and unthreatening. These priests who engaged in sexual behavior with youth should be held responsible for their actions. The Church should come forward and acknowledge this type of inappropriate behavior. They should take the proper steps to correct this type behavior and have their pedophilic priests seek treatment for their disorder.
Conclusion
Pedophilia is a complex disorder with many underlying factors. These range from dysfunctions in the development of the brain to particular traumatic experiences, such as sexual abuse or rape as a child. Despite no cure for pedophilia, measures can be taken to help people with this disorder control their urges and behavior. Society needs to be more aware of this disorder and its prevalence in everyday life. So while not all people who engage with children are pedophiles, the prominence of pedophiles across many facets of life is much greater than we think.
For those looking for more information, the American Psychological Association offers a comprehensive book, Pedophilia and Sexual Offending Against Children: Theory, Assessment, and Intervention
Works Cited
Briken, P. “Pharmacotherapy of Paraphilias with Long-Acting Agonists of Luteinizing Hormone-Releasing Hormone.” Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 64.8 (2003): 890-7.
Chow, Eva W. C. “Clinical Characteristics and Treatment Response to SSRI in a Female Pedophile.” Archives of Sexual Behavior 31.2 (2002): 211-5.
Deirmenjian, JM. “Pedophilia on the Internet.” Journal of Forensic Sciences, 47.5 (2002): 1090-1092.
DiChristina, Mariette. “Abnormal Attraction.” Scientific American Mind, 20.3 (2009): 76-81.
Kersebaum, Sabine. “Correcting Pedophilia.” Scientific American Mind 18.1 (2007): 62-.
Kraus, C. “Selective Serotonine Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI) in the Treatment of Paraphilia – A Retrospective Study.” Fortschritte Der Neurologie Psychiatrie 75.6 (2007): 351-6.
Lamberg, Lynne. “Researchers Seek Roots of Pedophilia.” JAMA, the Journal of the American Medical Association, 294.5 (2005): 546.
Schiffer, Boris. “Reduced Neuronal Responsiveness to Visual Sexual Stimuli in a Pedophile Treated with a Long-Acting LH-RH Agonist.” 6.3 (2009): 892-4.
Schiffer, Boris. “Brain Response to Visual Sexual Stimuli in Homosexual Pedophiles.” Journal of Psychiatry and Neuroscience 33.1 (2008): 23.
Schiffer, Boris et al. “Structural Brain Abnormalities in the Frontostriatal System and Cerebellum in Pedophilia.” Journal of psychiatric research 41.9 (2007): 753-62.
Scott, Monte, James Cole, Stephen McKay, Kenneth Liggett, and Charles Golden. “Neuropsychological Performance of Sexual Assaulters and Pedophiles.” Journal of Forensic Sciences, 29.4 (1984): 1114.
Schober, Justine M. “{L}Euprolide Acetate Suppresses Pedophilic Urges and Arousability.” Archives of Sexual Behavior 34.6 (2005): 691-705. Web.
Neuroanthropology 
Hello. Being an RSO myself and who has went through treatment many years ago. I know that I will never be completely cured from this problem. I didnt ask to be this way. I didnt make a choice to be this way either. There were many times in my past when I wished the thoughts and fantasies would go away. It seemed like that was all I could think about, and only that. It was very nerve wracking. I eventually got caught, got sentenced to probation and got help. Getting caught was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was my chance to make some changes in my life, albeit not easy changes in one self but over time it happened. Over time I have accepted that I cannot be cured and that I will always suffer to some degree from thoughts and fantasies. However I also know that I will not act on them. I just wish that society would someday be capable of seeing people like myself as humans who do have feelings, and that some of us can be helped. Thank you
The pain is evident in these blogs. I have my own story to tell.
Kilroy,
I’m not sure if you will get this message because yours was posted so long ago, but I figured I’d reply anyway. I just wanted to tell you, that from the little bit your wrote, I think you are an extremely strong and brave person. I also wish society could be more understanding. I couldn’t possibly imagine what you’ve gone through. I recently discovered a very good friend of mine is a pedophile. I was actually the one who found the proof and turned him in. Your post really brings me hope because I worry about him all the time. I hope he finds the strength that you have, and I hope he is not angry with me. I hope that he realizes, like you did, that being caught was the best thing that could’ve happened to him. Would you, by any chance, have any advice on something I could tell him to help him? Or at least keep his hopes up? I don’t even know if he would want to hear from me. The last time I spoke to him was before he knew that I had found out. Any advice would be great!
Well first I would like to say thank you for your kind words. Second you did a good thing in turning him in. while it will be a rough road for him, this is really a gift for him. The opportunity to get help and hopefully not have any more victims. I appreciate your comment about what I have been through, but not lets make any mistakes about it. My victim which is also my son along with his mother and also his younger brother and sister, have been through so much more than myself. Everyone assumes that the abuse is the worst part of something like this. For some it is. For my son, most of what had happened to him, he thankfully forgot. And in no way am I trying to downplay the seriousness of the abuse but ive been with them throughout this and there are other things that have hurt them as much if not more. As to what to do for him. Well with him just beginning all this, there is still going to be a lot of denial, and a lot of mixed emotions. And most likely it will be awhile before he can enter into a treatment program. While you are the one responsible for bringing the truth to the surface, its hard to say how you may be received. You might write him a letter and let him know you will still be here to support him with his treatment and to just be there for him if he chooses. Then I think you should just wait. And yes, you will catch a lot of flack from people who find out you are supporting him. If he is trying to help himself then you supporting him is only going to help him get better. This is going to be a life changing event for him and its going to be long road for him to travel. That is if he truly wants to change who he is. See most likely, he has lived with this deviant behaviour mosy of his life. This is a part of who he is. To change oneself is the most hardest thing an individual can do, if it can even be done. For some they cant. Thats where the law helps with this. Well I hope this helped in some small way. Take care Danny
Kilroy,
It may seem cruel, but the science on the subject is that you can NOT be cured. You say you are in pain and have suffered. How many children have suffered because of you??? How many lives were permanently altered in a negative way because of actions by you and other pedophiles?
I wish there was a cure, for the sake of future victims, but as yet there isn’t. I would rather see people like yourself locked up permanently so that no innocent child ever again has their lives destroyed by your perversions. Your actions when you were free affected the children, their families, and the whole of the communities they live in. Your crimes are far reaching and despicable. I appreciate that you may feel bad about it all, but that does not take away the pain the victims, and their families, continue to suffer all their lives! Rationalize and try to fool yourself that you are better now, but the statistics do not support that claim. I pray that you will find comfort and sustenance for your soul, but that you forever do so in a jail, apart from the society in which you have been a hurtful, disgusting element. It actually hurts me to feel this way about you, but as a parent, I put children and their safety above all else. Next to that, your needs are of no consequence.
Justice Aboveall,
You have completely missed the point of this story and of Kilroy’s post. Despite your self righteous mission to ‘stick it to the pedo’, you have made yourself look like a fool in front of Kilroy who had committed a crime (which with early treatment, may have been prevented, but with the stand-off attitude of people in our society like you, in his position, would you come out and ask for help, and expect to be helped?) who’s willingly served his time in jail for that crime and has seeked to change himself through treatment. Not because he must, because he wants to.
Who are you anyway, to talk like you know a damned thing? Have you ever stolen, or made fun of someone, or deliberately hurt someone’s feelings? Are you proud of yourself? Things you could just keep your fingers off, and have no reason to do other than to make you feel good at one moment. You wouldn’t have needed to do all that if you’d learned a proper trade, or if you’d worked, or had a heart and helped rather than bullied. If you had controlled yourself. But you didn’t, and you had a choice! Kilroy doesn’t have a choice about how he feels, and without treatment, no pedophile has control over what he or she does.
Do you think there is a moment in Kilroy’s life where his mind isn’t tormented by this evil thing inside him? Following him, pursuing him wherever he goes… Never relenting. Don’t you think he wants to escape those urges he never asked for? Does he even deserve them? Don’t you think he’s stalked by voices. Voices of parents, family, friends, and of those children… that will never leave him? And the urges that never leave, that will only go away in the act, and then fill him with guilt when the deed is already done?
Of COURSE he wants to change! But who will believe him? Who knows what it’s like to be him? How he was forced to act… how he must, must… doesn’t want to, must! Doesn’t want to, but must! Treatment is the only way to stop it, and you spit on him for trying.
Kilroy wants to change something inside him he never asked to have, and you blame him for being born at all, or even for just living another second. What would you have him do? Go outside and shoot himself? Sadly, I know that your answer is yes, and makes you look all the more ignorant, cuz you know what? Kilroy is someone’s child too, and if your children grow up with urges such as these, will you take them out back and drown them in the pool? I didn’t think so.
You should be ashamed of yourself. Have a f#cking heart.
-Conscience Above All
P.S., KILROY, from the bottom of my heart, I want to say that I love you, and appreciate you for all the efforts you’ve made to correct these wrongs and help the people you once hurt, AND to help yourself. I don’t know you, I may never see you, but if I could, I’d give you a hug, and tell you that everything’s gonna be all right. And that not everyone in this world hates you. Take care, man, and stay strong.
I was a victim of a pedophile, as were my sisters. We have been wondering if there is anyone doing a study on the wives of some of these men that aid them in procuring their victims. One of my sisters knows of a woman that bathed and dressed her grandchildren for her husband knowing what was going to happen. Just curious.
This is a small quibble, but the language of “orientation” and “homosexual/bisexual” are really problematic here and threatens the elision of vastly different phenomena.
A problem with most studies is that they’re done on people who have been convicted of pædophilia-related crimes, whereas the control groups consist of normal teleiophile heterosexuals. I’m sure one would find higher incidences of victimhood of sexual abuse, abnormalities of the brain &c. among e.g. homophiles too if one only compared convicted homophile rapists to normal heterosexuals. I think to avoid this selection-bias problem one would have to randomly select individuals from the general population and look for correlations between sexual arousal to pædopornography and factors hypothesized to cause pædophilia. Even with a very conservative (compared to what penile-response studies and studies based on self-reports of sexual fantasies usually report) estimate of 10% pædophiles, one wouldn’t need more than a few hundred males for a study.
I was forwarded this site because I wish to know the mind and possibled life from childhood of a pedophile. I have read these comments and it took some time to get myself to comment using “Kilroy’s” comments as a source of feedback. I was molested from the time I was prekindergarten. I didn’t understand why these things were happening to me and I wanted to believe my stepdad when he told me why I had to do certain things, as though they were normal for parents and children. Yet, my insides were troubled. I don’t recall any part of my childhood that I didn’t feel fear, anxiety, sleep problems, anger, mistrust and later in my teens when his abuse became more intense as I was raped when I was 17, I had to leave home at 18 as it was legal even though I was finishing my last year of school. I knew I would either find a way to inflict as much pain on him or severely hurt him, or report him to authorities. However without evidence, and my siblings weren’t going to admit to his physical, emotional abuse towards them, I was not going to find retribution. I hated him. And wondered how anyone could do such horrific things to a child. He abused my mom too, but I don’t feel she is any less culpable for allowing him to abuse us. In later years, I tried to fill criminal charges, but the statue of limitations had run out. I could not find anyone who would file charges in civil court. Honest, I wanted so desperately to trust my parents. But they robbed me of so many normal things that anyone should have. The sick behavior on his part robbed me of any normal relationship I would have loved to have with a father or mother. He robbed me of trust, a feeling of being safe. I couldn’t go into the bathroom without feeling I was being watched. And his control even reached the levels of us not being able to have our own feelings and thoughts. He controlled and manipulated everything. We felt like prisoners. I hate violence, but entertained thoughts as much as I tried to run from them, to find a way to cripple him or end his life without it looking like murder. I knew I had to leave and I did. He robbed me of my virginity as he preached I should be a virgin when I married. I didn’t even trust what he said. I still haved nightmares over 40 years later. And am still trying to overcome the effects of PTSD. I want to trust and believe. I want to believe that you Kilroy are sincere in your words and thoughts. Whether you didn’t want to be the way you are, or feel the thoughts you felt, I don’t know. I have to try and trust that you mean it, but too often all that I heard was hypocrisy. What was said was not what was done. You want trust? You want people to believe that you can be trusted and that you feel bad for who or what you are? Please try to put on the shoes of those like me or those whom you may have hurt. Trust once broken, is not easy to attain. That is just the conditioning from life situations. I am reading more on criminal sexual abuse and predators to try and understand what may have triggered their dysfunctional and criminal acts. What happened in their life to get them to this point. I need to understand so I can find the empathy I feel I must find to get past the place emotionally where I am stuck. To feel like a bag of garbage that is discarded after it serves no more purpose is anger inducing. To hear that I am the problem and not them, sickens me and makes me want to shout to the world and tell others that I didn’t ask for this damage in my life. I don’t abuse. I know it wasn’t my fault. I have been in therapy off and on most my life. But to not be able to face my abuser and tell him how he made me feel and how it affected my life, angers me. I don’t expect an apology. I can’t trust that it would be heartfelt anyway. I feel for whatever was done to him to make him who he is. However, like me, he could have gotten help to put my life in perspective. I still have nightmares like the event was yesterday instead of decades ago. I gave him the benefit of doubt as an adult and ened up being cornered twice as an adult. I have no contact now and choose to not. He can’t be trusted. So please try to see our side too. If not for the destructive behavior towards people like us, we could trust, and believe people like you. We want to. I know you have feelings. I have no doubt about that. I knew my step dad had feelings too. But as much as I tried to connect with that part of him to see if I could help him, he took advantage and ripped away any desire to try and appeal to that sad lonely empty man. It isn’t that the world doesn’t believe you have feelings and thoughts, that is the easy part. The hard part is taking that knowledge and allowing you to get close to someone who could possibly befriend you. Fear never changes. You have to stay true to what you say you can keep in check. It will take time and only if people are willing to give that time. I feel bad for the things you have endured. Whether you chose to be that person or do those things, doesn’t change the fact that you did. That isn’t the point for the victims. It isn’t the motivation, but the act that changes the victim forever. I do pray you can continue to go forward. I pray that however you are able to control your behaviors, that you can continue to do that. To guarantee that doesn’t seem possible to me, but only cause I have lived on this side of the fence. Best of luck to you. And whatever caused you to get where you did, I pray you can find healing in that place. I wouldn’t want to be the abuser anymore than the victim. I couldn’t live with victimizing others.
Trish, Thank you for the comments towards me that you made. I’m very sorry for what you had to endure. And for what you are still having to endure. My victim was my son. I’m thankful my sons experience wasnt as terrible as what you experienced. And I dont mean in any way to discount what happened to my son. But I do believe that different instances of abuse from one person to another may have different extremes and outcomes. For my son, I think what helped him was that at no point did I ever make him out to be a liar. From the time I was arrested, I took full responsibility for my actions. I was glad it was over. Also, my wife got my son into therapy right away. It was never my intention to harm my son. When your thought process was as screwed up as mine was you just didnt or wouldnt see the harm that could you could be doing. Denial can be a hard thing to understand. Its not until you somewhere after you start treatment that you can see the harm done not only to the victim but also to the other people and family around you. My son was seven at the time I was arrested. He is now 16. Thankfully he never seemed to have any real problems with my actions. Of course the problem with sexual abuse is that the effects of my actions may not be apparent until he is older or a grown man. We have a good relationship now but not one day goes by when I dont regret what I did to him and the ones around him. He forgave me a long time ago but it seems like the regret I feel is something I will live for the rest of my life. I think I deserve that.
You mentioned about how I got to that point in my life where I would sexually abuse a person. The beauty of treatment is that part of treatment is that you have to do an autobiography of your life. And also of the sexual side of your life as well. When you do this, you can start to see how you got to this point in the first place. Every persons situation is usually different in some way. For me, what major events in my childhood that got me to this point is from being sexually abused by brother and by his friend. Neither my brother or his friends actions were in any way traumatic for me, however what it did was to sexualize me at too early of an age. This in turn affected how I looked at sexuality. One of the things I remember very well is that I was masturbating at way way too early of an age. A lot. This from what I surmise was because of my brother and his actions towards me. I also came from a home where there wasnt much physical love or showing of affection. My dad wasnt around much and my mother although not a bad mother in any way, she just wasnt a affectionate person. From what I have heard, children that are starved for attention and affection, may turn to other things to give them the comfort they should be getting from a loving parent. Another reason I think I may have been masturbating so much when I was so young. I dont blame my parents or my brother but they were factors that made me who I am today.
I started to have thoughts and fantasies about kids younger than me when I was around 13. And growing up with these distorted ideas of what was normal didnt seem odd at all to me. Some people say that people who commit sexual offenses have complete control over their choices. I dont feel that is completely true. For myself I dont think it was if I was going to commit an offense but more to the point of when I would eventually do it. I tell people all the time that the day I got arrested was the worst day of my life but also the best day also. The abuse was finally over and I could get the help I needed. My son could get the help he needed as well. And so far, he has turned out to be a great young man.
I dont pretend to fully understand what a sexual abuse victim goes through and rightly, I wouldnt want anyone to have my life either. I can never go back and change what I’ve done but I am proud of the person I am today. I live a clean life. I also have been offense free since 2002. And plan on staying that way. I do hope some day you will find some peace.
Kilroy….I physically shake while I type this…just knowing you have been a child molester….I suffer from severe PTSD…..I may not be able to keep posting! /0=
The one thing an abuser can do….because they can not take back what they did! Is ADMIT to their victim and ask for their forgiveness!
Most never get this! So you have done the one thing you can do!
If I’m not confusing posts!!!! Your exwife had this in her family before you!
I read a book recently that most woman who marry child abusers do so subconsciously…because they were abused or around it themselves! so they are attracted to them….
My mothers brothers daughter was molested by her grandfather..(he (the grandfather) blew his brains out)
So it made me wonder if my mother came from this….then her brother married a lady that her father did this to her daughter!
I just know as a mom I would die for my kids…and if what happened to me ever had happened to them….I would have killed them!
Hello Donna, yes you are correct in that my ex wife was abused by her biological mother and stepfather. My exwife was completely in the dark as to the abuse of our child. As to whether or not she had something going on at a subconcious level is unknown. For myself I had been abused as a child myself. I wouldnt say that it was traumatizing for me but it did have an affect on how I viewed sexuality. You had stated in another post that you were abused also by your brother. My guess is that he had been abused as well by your father.
This informational site is for Elena or anyone who wishes to find some understanding into the mind of wives of sexual predators. I hope this helps. I often wondered why my mom who I know was also abused by my step dad, didn’t protect me. She confided in me when I was a mere child about things that I shouldn’t have had to hear. I hold her partly culpable for not doing anything to protect us kids. Here is the link. I hope it helps….
http://www.Understanding Mothers of Incest Victims:Why Some Women Do Not Support Their Sexually Abused Children http://abuse suite 101.com/article.cfm/child-sexual-abuse-victims#ixzzOtEA9dvn
If this does not work for you, let me know via this site and I will try to help. God Bless
This response is for Kilroy in response to me. I am grateful to have been given this site. My lack of quick response in know way is equated to feeling ill will towards you. I read the first paragraph last Friday July 9th. I had to stop as my heart was seizing and my eyes were running over with tears. You reached places in my heart that has needed some validation, some recognition for what was done to me. I tried pursuing this through a criminal investigation and when they were done and found evidence of what I had said, despite all my siblings but one disputing the allegations of any abuse towards them, I found out that the District Attorney said the statue of limitations had run out. I was crushed. I felt that I would never get my chance to be heard. I didn’t want my step dad {Lonnie from Fairmont, MN} to rot in jail. As easy as it would have been to let my rage be exacted upon him, my heart really wanted to just have this brought out into the light in a environment that would protect me from his destructive behavior. I just needed to be sure they removed guns from his premises before arresting him. But that wasn’t now going to happen. I wanted my day in court to be heard regardless of the denial of my siblings. And my hope was that he be committed to a sexual offender program inpatient and get some help. I knew he never would do it on his own. He always managed to skate free anytime I got close to revealing the truth. And when I tried, I was let to free fall from the sky again and fall to the hard cold ground. I tried to then pursue it in family court, but couldn’t find an attorney who would take the case. It seemed like he would be allowed to go without any consequences. I do believe however that God sees all things and in His time, punishes us for our wrongs. But it has never filled those pot holes in my heart that still felt all the questions of why and the lack of recognition or remorse for his behavior. I have always felt abandoned. When they felt safe, they would get in touch and want to know why I have been gone for so long. It was always this abnormal, dysfuntional, family that for them, they couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just “sweep it under the rug.” Where is the healing in that? I am taking risk to put his name and town location on this site. But have been told that he has now ceased contact with his own two sons and they think he is dying. There has always been so many sick dynamics and drama in their lives, I have no clue why he has or if he has stopped contact with his sons. And I don’t really care. That is his choice. I feel bad for my brothers who I have no contact with. They have many destructive skeletons too, to make a relationship possible. Anyway, I do care about them all. It is hard to feel anger and caring at the same time. I vascilate between good and bad feelings. I sometimes wonder how to find one place to emotionally rest. Maybe Kilroy you can help with that. I believe God does nothing for the sheer sake of it.There is always good reason for many, not just one. Your sharing of your story and I did finish reading it yesterday, left me without words. I felt so many things and didn’t know where to start or how to put it in cohesive order. I know the depth and frequency of abuse affects outcome to a big degree. Mine was years. I feel it took a lot to express your feelings and put your story out there. I know you had to feel some risk of verbal reprisals. I had a hard time understanding at first. And then had to just let it percolate in my mind and heart. I didn’t trust my parents so I learned to “feel the energy around them.” It is and I later studied it in psychology class – Psychokinesis. The study of body language which can be felt even on a computer screen. I have no reason to doubt what you said. I do want to believe you are being honest. And feel at this time, you are. I pray you don’t disappoint me in that area. Our family was ruled on deception. I didn’t want to believe that people could do things you mentioned and not want to, but be helpless to do otherwise. Maybe that points to a lack of control we all have at one time or another. The results may not be as devasting, but they are there. It makes me realize I have verbally let it fly with people who I didn’t give opportunity to, to be further heard. I hated hypocrisy and I had a world of patience with my mental health patients, but found “normal” people less tolerable when it came to undesirable behaviors. Now I have grown from that.
I know when you said the worst and best day of your life was the day you were arrested. And believe you mean that. I respect you for having the remorse and desire to make right what was done to your son, something that would have gone a long way for me, if my folks would have done that for all their kids. You cared a lot to do that and get him help. I believe you wanted help, that is why you didn’t lie about what you had done. You loved your son, your wife, your self enough to know you needed to be stopped. I respect that. The reason your story broke me down, was because I realize just how far “I’m sorry” would have gone, if it had come from my parents. If they had had enough love fcr us to do as you did. Those two little words, “I’m Sorry,” are so powerful and humbling. They knock walls down to a healthier life. I would not have trusted being alone with Lonnie even if he had apologized. But I wouldn’t feel the emptiness, loneliness, aloneness and sadness for years lost for what? For pride I think. I would have at least been able to have a long distance relationship with my family at the very least. I can’t imagine people going to their grave, with knowing the pain they caused so many. He even sexually abused his daugher in law. And my brother never confronted Lonnie about it. And now his dad, has ceased talking to him. I don’t know why he has. Is it possible he can’t live now with what he’s done, but can’t admit it even now? I don’t know. I know I have never wanted to be in his shoes. I wouldn’t want to live. I am so glad you love your son enough to have this positive relationship with him. And to be free these years from past abusive behaviors, is honorable. I feel the pain of your past feelings and am sorry for that. I also have been helped by you to understand how it came about and why. But you at least paid the price and got help. And hopefully your son will never experience any effects in the future. Your story was hard to read, but I appreciate you sharing it. And if you have other things that you think will help, please know that I will not judge you, lest I be judged. Most of all, thank you for an apology that you didn’t owe to me, but I am humbled by your sincerity. I guess I always had hoped I’d hear that one day. I never thought it would be by someone who didn’t hurt me. I never thought it would be by the one who did either. Are you still in therapy? Do you ever feel tempted or is that over now? If these questions are too hard, please don’t open wounds to reply. And with regards to my own step father, how should I feel? I sometimes think he really didn’t want to do those things, but something inside drove him. I want to feel emnpathy, and sometimes I do. But then the anger sets in again especially when something triggers the PTSD. So whatever I can get help understanding, I am thankful to God for. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for what has happened to you that caused the other circumstances. But also commend you for making it right. Or as right as it can be.
Dear Trish, I appreciate your understanding. From what you have told, it sounds like your story sounds a lot like what my ex wife endured while she was growing up. Her family is about as dysfunctional as they come. She suffered sexual abuse from her stepfather and her own mother for quite a few years. After we got together at one point she decided she wanted to have her stepfather and mother prosecuted. She turned them in and yes were arrested but this was back around 1990 or so. Back then, there wasnt really any sex offender laws out there. So back then all they got was a slap on the wrist. From what we know, they were responsible for abusing her, her half brother and sister and also a step brother. Its crazy. Everyone knew this but people in her family just accepted it. He got arrested a couple of years ago again for abusing his stepsons little girl. And again, from his past convictions, he should have gotten the book thrown at him and again he got off with little punishment.
The one thing I feel strongly about is that a person who commits sexual offenses, can never get help own their own. I believe that it must involve in some capacity the use of the legal system. This disease or sickness or problem is simply just too serious to deal with on our own.
You asked how you should feel about your stepfather. Well, I can understand how you feel towards him. I would say there is a good chance you will never get the apology or acknowledgement from him you so want and deserve and I’m sorry for that. From my exwifes experience, I know how much hatred and pain can be in a person. And I dont think she will ever get any closure from her parents either. Over the length of our marriage, I saw how this hatred and anger affected her life, our marriage and family. I’ll tell you what I told her about her abusers. I think you need to try to find a way to forgive your stepfather. Now please hear me out before jumping to any conclusions. When I say to forgive your stepfather I dont mean that you have any need to like him or associate with him. The forgiveness is for you and you alone. To help you gain some closure so you can move on with your own life. The reason I feel this way is because of some books I read about a little boy from california. This little boy from what I read suffered the most sever recorded abuse from his mother in californias history. The first book is called “a child called it” The first book dealt with the abuse he received from his mother. The second book involves what happened to him after being taken out of the home and his life in foster care. Then the last book deals with himself as an adult. The last book tells how he ended up forgiving his mother for all that she had done. By him forgiving her. He was able to see the person who had a severe mental problem along with other problems. He was able to look at himself and at her. When he looked at her, he saw this old woman who was bitter and who suffered from depression and was just a terrible person. Now lets look at that for a moment. How happy do you think she was. She lived her whole life unhappy and bitter. Thats a terrible way for anyone to live. Dave Pelzer was his name. By being able to see this woman that way he was able to forgive her. That doesnt mean he wanted to spend any time with her or befriend her any, but it did give him a certain ability to have some closure. I’m sure to forgive your stepfather for his abuse may be very difficult, perhaps impossible. But I do feel it is necessary to help you find some closure and move on. I hope this wasnt too very confusing. But I ask you this. How happy do you really think your stepfather is.
You asked if I am still in therapy. No I am not. Since I got probation, my treatment took place in a community based setting. The core part of my treatment took about 3 years to complete the since my probation was for five years, my therapist had me moved to a maintenance program for the remainder of my probation where I met with other group members once a month. Treatment is usually done in a group setting. My treatment stopped after my probation was over. That was in 2007. At the same time, if I ever feel the need to go back to my therapist for any help I might need, I have the freedom to do so.
You asked me do I ever feel tempted. I assume you mean, do I still have an attraction to children. The answer would be yes. However the difference now is that it doesnt have to be a secret about my problems. I have people whom I can talk with if I’m having any problems. This is a behavior I’ve lived with most of my life. You cant just stop not thinking. Because of my treatment, I have the tools I need to not act on anything I may think about. I have made certain promises to myself that I will not create anymore victims. Am I cured? There is no such thing. The problem I have can be looked at as if it were an addiction to say drugs or alcohol. Just like an alcoholic, you can treat the problem and you may never have a problem again but you can never take a drink again. I havent had any problems with not reoffending. Mostly what I have to deal with is the deviant thoughts and fantasies. Those kinds of things just put me in a place I dont want to be. Another way to look at me is like this. Imagine you are looking at it. Imagine a brick wall. One side you have a normal person without any problems. On the other side of the that wall is the life of sexual deviancy. For the normal person, they would never be able to break that wall down. Morals, values, fear of prosecution would keep them from that. For someone such as myself, I was able to break that wall down and go to the other side. For most people in my shoes, denial was what let us break that wall down. Look at me now. I’ve rebuilt that brick wall. However that wall will never be as strong as it once was before it got broke down the first time. So its in my best interest that I stay well away from the wall to be safe and so that others will be safe too.
I feel like your stepfather really did screw your life up badly. You deserve to be happy and at peace. I dont know what its like for you. And if there is any thing I can do to help you then please feel free to ask. I’d be more than happy to talk to you privately through email or telephone. Or on here if you feel more comfortable. I imagine the road you need to travel down is going to be quite bumpy. Oh and by the way , my name is Danny. Best wishes Danny
Danny
I am sorry for how long it has taken to reply at all. I was so busy with so many things. An orphaned kitten came along. Which is not a strange phenomenen in my life. Every since I could talk and walk, animals have been coming around. And follow me home or find me when I am on vacation. I can’t turn my back. I must do what I can. I believe God gave us the universe to tend and keep what He created and it is our privelege to help where hurt has been done. So much habitat destruction, so much raping and pilaging the land and resources. I am a huge environmentalist. And a advocate for any life that is in need of things that someone or something has deprived them of. I also had to take what you said in your last message regarding forgiveness and all that went with that and just percolate. I rarely get enough private time to just think about what is right for me to do. So I do depend on God all the time. I am not a religious freak. But I know God has been with me since a little girl. And the many times I’d walk to the park and sit under a tree and just cry and talk to God about all the hurt inside for me and those Lonnie abused. I know God heard. As crazy as that might sound to some or how offensive God might be to others, without HIm all my life being the father I never had, and I had two of them, I would have not made it as far as I have or with the sanity I do have. I listened to Him and know that because of HIm, my suffering was meant to be used in a positive way to help others who also felt so alone with their nightmares and emotional terrors. You are right about forgiveness. I have been told that many times by many therapists. I was to write a letter never meant to be sent to my stepdad, mom and birth father and tell them what their abuse did and what they missed out on if life had been normal. I was to forgive them. Forgiving isn’t so much of a problem, it is the anger that is connected with all the many offenses. It seems to be tied to the forgiveness. And I am trying to separate the two. I don’t have to be happy with what they did, but I do have to forgive. That I know. I am trying to revisualize them and see them as you mentioned. I was also told that and felt that a long time ago. As i see them weaker and smaller and suffering with all the ails they now have, I must see myself as taller and stronger, yet gentle in my compassion for life that is suffering. I believe I am getting there. I also have stumbling blocks of siblings who have disowned me because of my trying to take the folks to court. It was my only way to hopefully say my peace, put it all out there and maybe speak for my siblings abuse too. But they turned on me and I became the bad guy. So the road has been lonely but I know it is lonely for them too. I have never wanted to be in my parents shoes. I couldn’t live with myself. So I do try to see what they might feel. I just don’t know how deeply they feel about all that they did. They act very innocent of all of it. Anyway Danny, I just wanted to say hello and thank you for the comments and advise. I will continue to write as time allows. I am dealing with a couple things that I have to take care of so time is of the essance for me. Thank you for sharing. And thank you for your perspective. It does help. And I will get there. I just started trying so late in life. So I have much to try and rethink. But any growth is better than none. God Bless you. I hope it doesn’t offend you that I pray for you and your healing and courage.
Trish
Hi Trish
I am straight but was effected by an attempt to procure for a female.I dont want to think about how violated you feel.The worst thing is my daughter chose to associate with the family of a known paedophile. I know that you feel worse than I do and if I could wave a magic wand and stop this I would and I know you feel the same. Whatever the neurology the boundaries of sexual behaviour are poorly drawn especially for those kids who come from a dysfunctional background. Ciniquy pointed out back in the 1860s that it was children with poor role models who are the most vulnerable to sexual predation. The only answer to this is not to try and cure paedophiles but to strengthen the family and to redirect awakening sexuality. All of us need to communicate better and sex should never be allowed to substitute for the intimacy that is the right of all humans. This I believe is why our sexuality is so easy to pervert. As paedophiles need pornography and the right to behave in an explicit manner in order to seduce children it stands to reason that it is within our power to limit a paedophiles access to children by simply insisting on better standards of societal behaviour. This is now becoming a legal reality in Queensland. If a child does not behave in a provocative manner he/she limits the interest of a perpetrator. Young girls swearing is a hot topic amongst those likely to abuse them. IF sexual experience were not a social priority the pool of potential victims would dry up because the child would not be under compulsion to fling themselves into adulthood.
THis is for Trevor. Kilroy {Danny}, I will write my response soon. I am so busy with furniture deliveries and my computer not funcioning in terms of connecting to the internet and a kitten that was orphaned from it’s mom. The mom was killed. I am exhausted. But I am also thinking and allowing things to reawaken within me to know just how I feel about all these responses that I appreciate so much. This has been better therapy than any therapist I have seen. I needed to talk this out with my family as all my siblings were abused {and three of the kids are my stepdad’s and mom’s}. But talking about it, was never going to happen, which is why I attempted to approach this via criminal charges and when the statue of limitations ran out, I tried to go with family court. I didn’t want to see him rot in prison, but to receive intensive inpatient and ongoing outpatient help. It would force him to admit or break down and rebuild. Or that was my hope. I don’t hate them, and forgiveness isn’t an issue, at least I don’t think so. It is more that I can’t seem to sevor the anger of what others do to leave lasting horrific terror in the hearts and minds of others. And then just dump their kids for sake of not being reminded of their horrific behaviors. Rape and abandon. Yes anger, is still there. I know he is suffering. And never have I wanted to be in my mom’s or stepfathers shoes. I couldn’t take having done what he did. I couldn’t live with myself and don’t know how he has survived into his ’70’s without commiting suicide. Maybe he has strong justification techniques that have allowed him to live in a constant state of denial. Even so, somewhere inside we all know the truth. (I wanted more than anything to bring all this out into the light so we as a family could air our feelings and get help so maybe we could have some semblance of family life. But the door was always slammed shut when I { and only I was the one who kept trying to bring this to light}. My sister who is closet to them, said Lonnie step dad, if he was charged and arrested would shoot mom and then end his own life. And how dare I put them in that situation? Why can’t i just sweep it under the rug? Because I keep tripping over the hump in the rug. I get what you are saying Trevor and agree with that, but too much pride and denial opens too many doors for people like that who don’t want help, or admit that anything is wrong. I feel as sad for the choices they made, as I feel anger for the choices they have made and inflicted upon many. This abuse and abandonment extends to each of their physical families and siblings too. It is a mess. I am so grateful to be geographically this far from them. But the nightmares still come sometimes. And I am dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that I didn’t know I had. But it explains all the symptoms I was and still experience. Makes me feel sad for the soldiers in combat. Anyway, I appreciate all the feedback. I prefer putting all this on this site, as I pray it can open doors for others who have lived with similar experiences. An online therapy. Who better to help others than those who have crawled in the skin of others and walked around in it? A line from “To Kill A Mockingbird.” But it is apropos here. Thank you for all the feedback, and I hope it helps others too. That would be something positive out of something dark.
I’m doing a personal study on Thomas O’Carroll who has youtube video channel, CasperFreindlyOne, promoting to lower the age of consent for a CHILD to have sex at 12. What a sick sick man! He’s a pedophile, 65 years of age – convicted several times.
My goodness! Elena said: …knows of a woman that bathed and dressed her grandchildren for her husband knowing what was going to happen.
I’m so sorry to read that. This “woman” is equally guilty as her husband.
Trish – I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Innocent children of sexual abuse, I just sit here and shake my head in disbelief and shock!
My situation wasn’t as bad – but still to me, it was BAD!!! really BAD!!!
I’ll never get use to typing about this – I’m still angry and get angry everytime. I was abused ONCE as a child. The sick uncle attempted to abuse me a second time – I ran, only because I knew from the first time what the ol bastard was gonna do. I never told anyone until I was older and I told my older sister. Anyway, thankfully there was no “intercourse” only his mouth on my private parts, down there. What the hell – the man is dead now. I told my sister I wanted to confront him. She told me he died a few years ago. If he were alive I would of killed him for sure — ok maybe just confronted him and then blew his knee caps off – or just shot him in the private area.
I honestly believe there is no cure for pedophiles. Something in that rotten brain is mixed up – wires are crossed or something. They need to be put to death ASAP! Like a horse with a broken leg – worthless. Pedophiles are no good to society and lead a wasted life. They were born like that. No amount of therapy or pills or TIME will ever ever cure these inhumane things called people.
Kilroy – your son! MY GOOD LORD… see what I mean. And you’ve stopped treatment! I can’t understand it. Don’t you think you’ll abuse again? Don’t you think you’ll be better off dead, I say that in all honesty. When that one urge takes over your mind and your body and you abuse another child – it’s TOO late pal, the deed is done – another child victimized! 2002 is NOT a long time – 30 years,yes – 8 years NO –
I can’t apologize for my statements. I don’t know what it’s like to be a pedophile and knowing it’s wrong and having those thoughts. All I know is I gotta keep on keepin on being a advocate and keep reminding myself to be the voice of the children, they can’t speak up for themselves, they don’t know what’s going on.
Taylor. I respect your right to your own opinion and I had a really snappy reply for you but I got to thinking about it and then I realised the statement you made tells us a lot about yourself. I dont intend to explain myself any further but I would hope that you would have enough decency to not trash up this forum with your hatred. I think that kind of attitude doesnt have any place in an environment such as this. And I am sorry that you had to suffer abuse as well. Hopefully your hatred will not eventually consume you in the end. My treatment did go well and have been doing really well over the years. And true, you dont know what it is to be an offender nor would I want you too. Good luck with everything and best wishes.
You know after reading what I wrote, I dont think it was fair of me in saying what i did. I am sorry.
It seems understandable to me that many people will harbor hatred for pedophiles/molesters, and Kilroy I would hope that you can also understand and respect this. I don’t find it to be the same as say being sexist, racist, homophobic etc. as with molestation there is an innocent, usually defenseless victim involved, and the effects are traumatic and long-lasting.
It seems to me that there are some crimes that have no redemption: murder and rape/molestation, as one time is one time too many. I was molested for years as a child and although I no longer have any serious ill-effects or even hatred for the perpetrator, or you for that matter, I also have no use for any of you either.
If someone molested my child I would hope to have the courage to put a bullet in their head, and would hope that a jury would find it justifiable. Barring that scenario I would never choose to hunt down molesters, including my own, however if they simply ceased to exist I would find the world to be a safer better place for it.
I say all of that sincerely and without malice, it’s just that prisons are filled with criminals who said they were rehabilitated and/or would never do it again. I hope in your case it’s true, but don’t expect many people to have sympathy if your feelings are hurt due to their outrage.
I arrived to your blog post with the indication that it was a good text about pedophilia; more so since it also included a very interesting set of comments. I liked reading it, but I was disappointed when I saw the following phrase: “A large percentage of male pedophiles are homosexual or bisexual in orientation to children, meaning they are attracted to male children or both male and female children (Schiffer, 2008).” It seems to me that this idea — that a *high percentage* (how high? 20%, 50%, 80%) of pedophiles are homosexual or bisexual in orientation to children — has been more a media passed one (*) than a scientifically researched hypothesis. I’m not an expert myself on the subject (scientifically or otherwise), but I do remember 5 or 6 of my female friends mentioning that they had been abused by adults (in different degrees) when they were children. In all their cases the pedophile had been a male (friend or family). Since my pool of friends is not controlled, I decided to read Schiffer and colleagues’ work (the one that you refer as source to your phrase). Nowhere in the work that specific issue is addressed since they (citation:) “investigated central processing of sexual stimuli in homosexual pedophiles and nonpedophile homosexual control subjects”. Basically no heterosexual or bisexual people were involved and no comparison between different sexual orientations was made.
I therefore maintain my previous (common-sense only, I confess) belief that male pedophiles mostly target female children. I’m sure there is indeed a percentage of male pedophiles targeting both genders or male children only, but I doubt the percentage numbers are higher than or closer to the “heterosexual-only” group. (However, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me that many of pedophiles were opportunistic ones targeting the easiest children to reach.)
———
(*) Given the Catholic Church scandals, for instance. In Portugal (where I live), there was also a recent big scandal involving a young boys’ public institution. However, many (probably most) pedophile cases are not so “media spectacular” and implicate little girls.
My boyfriend wants me to verbalize fantasies of his having sexual encounters with “young girls” … this makes me extremely uncomfortable. When I ask like 16 or 17 … he leads me to believe he’s thinking more like 12. He said it’s just a fantasy but this still concerns me. I don’t see how a grown male (in his 40s) could be turned on by such a young female. Am I wrong? I guess I don’t want to judge a fantasy if that’s all it is … but I don’t want to think I’m dating a pedophile. Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks.
I Pray he is now your former boyfriend…..
Hi Sally, To start with, the fact that you are uncomfortable with doing this should be enough reason not to do it. I think it would a fine line between just a harmless fantasy or a potential problem. Its not uncommon for people to fantasize about taboo topics, but in my own opinion if this fantasy is recurring a lot then there could be the potential for the beginning of a problem. Another thing to look at is when does your boyfriends fantasies go from fantasy into something he is willing to do. The problem is that the more he fantasizes about such things the easier it becomes to actually act out these fantasies. Or another way to look at it is imagine a brick wall. On one side of the wall is the non offending side of life. On the other side is the deviant illegal side. This brick wall is what keeps people separated from the bad side. You can look at the deviant fantasy like a hammer. Over time, this hammer is slowly breaking down that brick wall. Of course denial is another thing that can help break this wall down. For some people when they get that close to the wall, they can see the damage or perhaps they see the criminal implications of going through that wall. For most this is enough to keep things in check. But for the ones who do break that wall down,its too late. Once that wall has been broken down, it will never be as strong as it originally was. I would be very careful with this if I were you.
Sally
I am so glad you presented this issue on this site for others to help with. I think this site is a great source of insight from those who have been the offender and those who have been offended.
First and foremost, you state you are uncomfortable with what your boyfriend asked you to do. I believe in the absence of conscious reasoning, the unconscious is speaking loudly to you. And if it is causing uncomfortableness, it is because it violates your conscience. For good reason. It would violate the conscience of anyone who knows how wrong this fantasy is even if he or you may think it is harmless. Fantasies like that are not harmless and over time will lead to more destructive behavior on his part and you will just be enabling him. You sound like one who is conscience minded. Don’t let him violate you emotionally by fulling his fantasies. He has problems and can you live with yourself if you submit to the fantasties he is asking you to perform? It isn’t normal for anyone to fantasize about children in that way. I would not wish to have such a person as my boyfriend. Secondly…
I would break off a relationship with anyone who has such deviant thought and suggest he get counselling. I fear what roads he may go down with or without your assisting him or anyone assisting him in his fantasies. Also the libraries are a good source of finding books on the psychology of pedophilia and abnormal sexual behaviors.
If you had a daughter don’t you think he would be fantasizing about her? He can’t be trusted as he presently is. Stand for what is morally and ethically right. There are men out there who are stable. This man needs help. A normal man would love you and only think of you. They would not need to fantasize about children or others. He will only hurt you or someone else. My step father said he fantasized about me when I was growing up. My name is Trish and scroll up to where you find my story. This is the kind of path this man you are dating is on. I don’t say this in anger, but out of concern for you, him and anyone he may or will hurt in the future.
Kilroy
I agree with your comments to Sally about her boyfriend. I am sorry you haven’t written a response to me. I appreciated hearing from you personally when you wrote in the past.
My last response to you was in asking if it offended you if I pray for your health and healing. I didn’t say that to be condesending, but in humbleness. I pray for myself and my own health and healing too. I know the path you are on is hard, but you are walking with courage and determination to be the right person and do the right thing. And because of your understanding and apologizing to me for my step fathers actions, I cried for the first time over my past. Never has there been any apologies, but realize how powerful that would have been and how far that would have gone to heal the fractures in my heart, mind and spirit. From what I last heard, my stepfather who is almost 80, is not even speaking to his wife, my true mom. And he has cut off all communication to the three children he had with my mom. He had a bout of skin cancer that my sister for whom he is her real dad, feels Lonnie has more cancer and is dying. And that he has disconnected with everyone. I have no doubt that his life and my mom’s is so agonizingly lonely and full of regrets that he can’t fix now. I feel for the life he has and the decisions he’s made. I don’t feel sorry for him, just sad that he has chose the end to be what he has made it. He is ill enough that if he got very ill and had to be removed from the home, that he would kill mom and take his own life. I have no doubt about that either. If you ever hear of a man named Lonnie Coulson, from Fairmont, Mn ending it, that is my step dad. He is not stable. Anyway, I agree with the advice you gave Sally. And appreciate the help you offer others. I know it is easy to hate sexual predators, but you are helping me to understand even if it still angers me. And that is so much more than I had before I started reading this site. So thank you.
Hi Trish, I’m very sorry for not responding to that other post. I guess I just overlooked it cause to be honest until now, I hadnt noticed it. And no, I have no problem with you praying for me. What helped me with understanding forgiveness was when I read the books by the author Dave Pelzer. He suffered unimaginable physical and emotional abuse from an alcoholic and emotionally ill mother. His abuse was supposed to be the worst long term case in californias history. I think there are like three books. One when he is young and suffering the abuse, then the next is after he is taken out of the home and describes his life in foster care, then the last he is an adult dealing with the afteraffects of the abuse. But in the end he described how he was able to forgive her. Not to try to make amends with her but more for closure for himself. Like yourself, he saw just how pathetic and miserable her life was and had been for a very long time. They are some hard books to read but they do open up the mind to some other ideas to think about. And I do appreciate your kindness. I dont find that very often. I do try to help when I can. If nothing more than to let people see that there other sides to this problem for some. Some see me as an offender and a monster. But they dont also see that I am still a father who have children who love me and who need my support. Some people say I should just be dead but would that in itself do as much damage or more to my children. Its just too big of an issue to put an easy label on. But I think that trying to understand is the first step. And I’m sure I’ll get some haters on here telling me how wrong I am. But thats okay. Its the people who do have an open mind that I’m happy that I can connect with in some small way. Well I think I’ve rambled on enough. Its been good hearing from you. I’m glad to see you are still around. Oh and I guess I should be using my real name which is Danny by the way. ttyl Danny
Danny
I was so elated to hear from you. It is a miracle in and of itself that I can talk with you. When I first read this site and read your response, I fear I couldn’t read it all until days later. I cried and yet I wanted to almost hate you for what you did to your son. But my heart was softened and I later finished reading it and the apology moved me to tears. I couldn’t understand how an sexual predator could say he was sorry. And then after much prayer, and prayer that led me to this site, I realized that we all have things that are in need of healing and some are very dark. That all predators don’t have to remain active predators. Statistically I had had the opinion from outside sources that once an abuser always an abuser. I am so grateful I have met someone who is willing to invest all the energy and resources it takes to walk the good line and good life. Thank you for that example. I pray as I do for myself, that we can continue to stay strong and be a help to others. It helps us also. It is easy to hate. It serves to only delay healing and create strife that kills the spirit, mind and body. Finding goodness in dark, frees the spirit. Using the darkness in our lives to help others find peace, is what trials are for. In giving back to those who have crawled inside our skin and walked around for awhile, helps not only them, but creates greater understanding and health for us. Thank you for the reference to those books. I am always looking for more resources. I am presently still trying to get through my work book on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which I was diagnosed with years back. I know it is hard to hear the hatred in some of the responses, but I also know you are aware that is a part of what others feel. And it is normal to feel something so negative to something that is so abnormal. But don’t let it change you except to strengthen you and help you be a light to those who are not in the same place as you emotionally yet. I hated too, but have moved past that. Take care Danny. And thanks for your help.
I can appreciate that paedophiles are usually people who were abused themselves, and so I do have a lot of sympathy, even though I had my own childhood disrupted by child abuse.
What concerns me, is that children STILL have no voice, when they are being abused, STILL people are stuffing their fingers in their ears, refusing to listen to the child.
I was labelled “LOLITA” when I was young. Instead of any sympathy for being the victim of child abuse, I was labelled as a wicked child, an immoral child, a slut, a temptress, a whore. My childhood was a shaming to me, I was ashamed to be me. The SS put on my records that I had consensual sex from the age of 11 – it was a lie, I didn’t conxent, it was just thet I did not scream the place down when I was raped, because I knew and loved the abuser, because he was a member of my own family.
Just because I child does not scream the place down when they are raped does not mean that they enjoyed it.
I hate and detest all the work of the Kinsey Institute. In my opinion every bit of “research” from that place ought to be made into a big heap and set fire to, everything. It is all packs of lies, because Kinsey was a wicked and selfish man.
There are too many paedophiles in positions of authority. I can feel sympathy for paedophiles, but not when they are in power, oppressing and even murdering people like me. When they do that, I hate and detest them.
I’m so sorry that after being a victim…that they tried to blame you….there’s a special place in hell for those people!
I am currently enrolled in a youth oriented counselling course and am doing a final project on the impact of strength based couselling for people with pedophelia. My group is at a standstill with finding information on specific counselling strategies focusing on strength based theory and/or empowerment. Any information would be much appreciated.
Hi Kim, what is strength based counseling? Is this for people who were victims or the people committing the crimes?
Danny and Trish,
Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I must admit that I used to feel like pedophiles should die to prevent them from ever doing it again. One day I found that my husband (now ex) had abused my children and others in the family. I went through all the emotions of hatred, anger, sadness, fear and crying all the time but felt the only way we could get through this was with God’s help, the help of my dear friends and with a better understanding of this THING. I knew I needed to forgive and move on to help my children and they needed to also. I could not move on when I was always wondering why and having so much hatred. All the research I have found has helped me understand that this isnt something that someone just wants to do and that it is pysiological. The abnornmalities in the brain caused by childhood trauma allow the uncontrollable urges that others do not have or can control. This is why pedophiles suffer from great bouts of depressions and suicidal tendancies. They seem to not like themselves as much as others dont like them. Also they can dissociate themselves from the actual act. My ex is now incarcerated waiting for a trial and now that I am understanding much more clearly as the story has unfolded about the horrors of his past childhood along with the betrayals of his mother and step father. My heart is completely broken. I fear for him in jail and am wondering if it is not too painful if you can share some experiences from what it is like to be incarcerated as a pedophile. If you are not comfortable posting you can also contact me by email. I pray that he will be protected and will get the help he needs to control this. I know he loved his children more than life and wanted help badly but was too afraid. Things he said now make sense and I just wish I could have helped him. Danny, you have confirmed much of what I have read and you being able to help Trish is just another act of God making a wrong into a right.
Trish, I have a good friend that was abused as a child and your first post reminds me of her so distinctly and the anger that she feels. It is amazing the change in the tone of your posts and understanding after communicating with Danny. I am truly hoping that my friend will read this and it will help her as well. Myself and my children pray for their dad everynight and will now include both of you in our prayers. I pray that you both find the peace and strength to endure.
Taylor, Shame on you – I would suggest not using the good Lords name in association to your opinion because you obviously dont know the good Lord very well! I find it offensive that you believe you have the right to judge or suggest punishment for anyone else especially when you have never walked in their shoes. I also would suggest being an advocate for yourself and getting the help you need before you feel you could ever help a child. You also might want to do a little research on the “being born with it” part also! I will pray for you as well.
Hello Sedonna, I appreciate your kind words. You are a good person in attempting to see this problem as something bigger than just a choice that one person easily makes. I know firsthand what you and your children have gone through and I’m sorry for that. I have three children of my own. The oldest being my victim but in reality, they all were victims in some way. My middle child, my daughter was only about four years old when I was arrested. This was very hard for her emotionally. All she understood was that daddy wasnt there anymore. My youngest son was only about four months old. For many years after, he didnt have a father at all. None of them did.
Why do people commit sexual offenses? I believe there are many reasons. Some say its a genetic problem, that we are not wired right. Some say it is a product of our environment. Some say its just simple mental illness. Some say its a simple choice we made. Some say its from abuse and/or sexual abuse we suffered from childhood. Needless to say there are many ideas out there to try to describe why we are the way we are. I’ve spent many years in therapy and because of that, I have been able to determine to the best of my ability why I am the way I am. Hopefully your ex will get the help he needs and also hopefully he wants to be helped.
I cant tell you about what your ex can expect if he spends time in prison. I was lucky in that I didnt have to serve any prison or jail time. I was sentenced to five years probation with special conditions. In Kentucky, there are specific prisons especially for people with sexual offenses. Its easier to give specialized treatment to these people if they keep them in specific institutions. It also reduces the risk of endangerment to them from other inmates. Of course with there being 700,000 plus registrants in the united states now, overcrowding is causing sex offender treatment to be more complicated and longer waits for inmates before they can take the treatment course. Inmate violence does happen of course. My therapist told me one time, no, actually several times that no matter what was going to happen to me, I would get through most anything if I wanted things to be better. And I have faith in your ex that if he is willing to put the effort into getting help then he will get through this in time. It wont be easy and whether he went to prison or not, his life is forever going to be changed. For the good though. I’ve told many people that while my experience was scary and very hard to go through, I wouldnt have changed any of it for anything. The day I was arrested was the best day and the worst day of my life. From that point on, my life was changed and I was given the opportunity to change who I was. From my experience, the only way for someone who suffers from sexual deviance, is from the help of legal intervention. Law enforcement has to be involved. That person has to be forced to admit that they have a problem. Its just not something someone is going to openly admit too. He will be okay.
If you and your children want to help and support him. Write to him, see him when you can. Encourage him. This will do a lot for him. He will be a safer person for this. One thing I have learned over the years is this. While it is a hard thing to learn, is patience. Its true when they say that time heals all wounds. Some things like this takes a long time to overcome. But most importantly, take care of yourself and take care of your children. You sound like a very intelligent person who has a good grasp of whats going on. You seem to be understanding. People talk all the time about how to deal with this PROBLEM in our society. Its true that there are monsters out there but a lot of these people who commit sexual offenses are not monsters at all. They are fathers and brothers and uncles who have problems. All we ever hear about is this offender or that offender. We never hear about how these offenders came about in the first place. It just doesnt happen. Sex offender are created. I’m often criticized about this idea. I guess because it hits too close to home for a lot of people. No one wants to take responsibility. Its not in human nature. Locking them up and/or killing them all is not the answer to a safer society for our children. People like you are the answer. People who take the time to try to understand that this problem is not just a black and white issue.
You say that your ex loves his children more than life. I’m sure he does. I too love my children more than life. I know that my actions caused me to destroy my family. I lost my family. I’ve been off probation since 2007 and I’m still seeing how my actions are affecting things. Once I was off of probation, I wouldnt really have any more restrictions on me. I thought things could go back to some sort of normal like before my arrest. For a little while they did. I wont go into any details here but my children live about three hours away. Over the last year or so, me and my children have grown apart. Its been almost a year since I’ve seen them last. I still talk to them occasionally. Of course I still take care of them financially. But I got to a point where I had to let them go. I love them so much but I’ve come to realise that I’m not a part of their life anymore. I could fight it but its part of the penance I have to live with. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me. I dont want to hurt anyone else. I just want to live in peace.
I hope I’ve said something here that might have helped you in some way. If you would like to contact me further with any other questions feel free to email me at kilroy@hughes.net
Best wishes, Danny
Sedonna, why would you say shame on Taylor (i.e. judge her) for judging others and wishing death on others when you say in the second sentence of your comment that you used to wish death on pedophiles as well? Do you see the hypocrisy?
Random,
My comment was “shame on Taylor for using the Lords name associated with her opinion which the Lord would never agree with. My opinion before I became educated on this subject was just that an opinion…..NEVER would I ever suggest to someone that they would be better off dead!!!
Sedonna if the Lord lets child molesters into heaven….I would Never what to go there!
You are clueless…and are offensive to talk down to someone who was a victim because of using the lords name! You will keep Many people from church than helping them to want to go there by do this! SHAME on you!!!!!
I need help sorting through my feelings as a by stander. We found out one year ago that my brother in law was a molester. He admitted it, turned himself in, and gave the names of the boys he abused. (note, he is not gay, but only abused boys).
At the time I felt it very important to try to support him where possible. Not one victim pressed charges, so he was given an anklet device and was on his way. He has been counseling, lost jobs, etc, but i can’t help but feel he got away with it. As the year has passed i have grown more and more hurt by the situation. My in laws plan everything around him (they are his line of sight guardians ) and so he does come to some family functions. His wife has chosen to stay with him, which I can not comprehend. Now if we choose to stay home from family get togethers they all get upset. They are more mad at the reactions than the actual abuser! This angers me.
It has also come out that my father in law abused his oldest daughter, who died six years ago. She in turn, abused this younger brother, but no one is willing to ever talk about it. Just recently I found out that my father in law made an advance at my other sister in law! He told her he loved her, that God gave him these feelings, just like God gave he son the feelings towards boys. This is unacceptable, but I don’t know how to deal with it! To me this is blaming God for his insanity!
My poor husband always thought his dad was awkward, and not a great husband, but he had No IDEA all of this happened, and he is so sad about it. We are not ‘close’ to his brother, so our kids were not affected. We have discussed this many times, but they simply weren’t around him without us, so I am confident. Also, I thought his brother was weird, and he didn’t really like me, i am very outspoken and made him mad a few times (he has a horrible temper)
Now it is the holidays and they want to pretend like everything is okay. I sent my mother in law a ntoe and just said I need space, I am not comfortable with the family situation. She refuses to hold her husband accountable, and that bothers me.
Where do I go from here? I am trying to be supportive, but I cannot deal with this family’s denial any longer!
hi i think being supportive is just all you can do ..
you cannot understand the way the family reacts about all this ,,,and you shouldnt understand it ,,its just to crazy, as to the wife staying with this man its quite common my mother has chosen to stay with my stepfather evn after he admitted to abusing my sister ,,,madness..and his family have outcast my sister and pretty much branded hr a lier,, all i would say is if you have kids keep them well away and just be as supportive as you can be.
They are more mad at the reactions than the actual abuser! …
this is a very true statment, they all seem to blame everyoneelse except the abuser,
These people are enablers ….AVOID them!
I am sure that I am going to get floods of hate and what not. Yet I am a exclusive pedophile which means I am just attracted to children. I have never acted on the desires nor do I collect pornography or anything like that. I always will look but not touch, I was a victim of child sexual abuse for many many years and I guess his sick desires passed on to me to suffer through life with. I have never acted on my desires because I know what its like to be on the other side of that. I can’t get help because I cannot afford it and the only places that you can get help is if you actually act on your desires and molest a child which I am never ever going to do. I am in my forties and can have social interactions with adults and have some good friends that are adults. Yet when I in public I spend alot of time looking at children and thinking about them. I know that society groups people like me up to be all the same but I am not like every other pedophile out there.
Ben, I applaud your attitude! It is responsible. I don’t perceive those thought as harmful, I believe that acting on the thoughts is the harmful part. If all pedophiles were like you, there would be no problem. You have chosen to say, “No! The buck stops here!”
Why don’t you avoid being around children as much as possible????
Just like an alcoholic should not sit in a bar! It’s an addiction….AVOID KIDS!!!! PLEASE!!!!
Dear Trish, How are you. Havent heard from you in awhile. Just thought I would say hi. I hope you are doing well. Would love to hear from you sometime. Well, ttyl then. Best wishes Danny
hello all ..
i dont know were to start, i have a great sadness and it weighs on my heart what these pedophiles do to peoples lives,,,you who have shared your life stories on here are very brave ,,(i hope you dont find that offensive) ..
i am typing this now becouse ihave justrecently found out that my sister was abused by her stepfather from the age of six to twelve ,
when my parents split when i was 9 and my sister was 4/5 i stayed with my dad and my sister was with us for a year but my mum came back for one night and then left the next morning with my sister and left me with my dad ,,its where i wanted to be ,,, the stepfather must have started to abuse my sister within a few months of her living with them.
,i have asked my sister about what he did as she does not want to give the details ,, but he did everything he could to her and made her do things to him everything except intercourse,,,sorry rape.,
my sisters boyfreind in a moment of anger posted a message to the family on facebook about the abuse and over the months since everyone in his (the stepfathers ) family have disowned my sister ,,,my mother is even defending him ,,, the stepfather has admitted that one thing happened when my sister was seven ,, he even admitted it to me over the phone ,, but totaly denies the years of abuse my sister has claimed ,, my sister is now 32 and the abuse hapenned 24 years ago.
i have questioned my mother and she has just beried her head in the sand,, and wont beleive its true,,, but i think she knew about it and turned a blind eye,, i no longer have any contact with my mother and would probably asault the stepfathreif i met him face to face … my sister also wont see my mother and now the stepfather is threatening my sisters boyfriend ,,,he is trying to controlle her still with htreats … i just dont know what to do ,, i have told my sister she must go to the police, he is into guns and knives and and i think he is a dangerous man ,,,
crap there is such alot i have left out its like a bloody soap opera script now the step brothers that grew up with my sister wont talk to her ,,,my mom wants to see my sister (my sister now has a little boy aged 2 and a girl aged 3 1/2) but my sister is ver confused and just doesnt know where to turn or what to do ,, our father died of cancer 5 years ago and i know if he were here now he would kill the sick bastard and gladly do the time ,, i feel the same but i myself have 2 young girls ,,
i just dont know what to do or tell her to do as she is looking to me in place of our father ,,i want her to go to the police but i dont think he would go to prison although he has admitted his own little thing,, ,,i just think it would maybe be a waste of time and alot of eotional stress for my sister to go through it all …i need help .
Hi Pax. Let me see if I’m fully understanding what you are saying. When you and your sister were little, your parents split up and you stayed with your dad and your sister stayed with her mother. And your sisters stepfather started to abuse her. I’m assuming you found out about the abuse because your sister was the one that told you about it? You stated that you asked your sister about the abuse and she didnt want to give out any details? You also stated that he did everything he could to her. This seems a little confusing. Did this information you have come from her or someone else like her boyfriend? This is important. And please dont take it that I’m questioning her honesty. Its just that sometimes when information comes indirectly from the victim, the truth can get distorted sometimes. You stated that her boyfriend posted a message on facebook about the abuse and this is how the family has found out about the abuse.
Keep in mind that these are only my opinions about this situation.
Okay I would like to first say that the boyfriends actions at posting this very personal bit of information about her on facebook in my opinion was really insensitive to your sister.
Okay now about your mother defending the stepfather in this situation. Its actually fairly common to see this. Its denial. She doesnt want to believe that this man she has loved all these years could have done something like that. You stated later that you have questioned your mother about the abuse and she buried her head in the sand. Did she know about the abuse or not? Important question. If she did then that would make her as bad as the person who committed the abuse. For turning a blind eye to it. But most likely she will never admit to it if she did. Your sister may know the truth as to her mother knowing. Did the abuse really take place? Most likely yes if the stepfather admitted to something, then most likely the abuse did take place for all those years. What would be the benefit of your sister making this up? Not much. The question I would be asking is if he had abused your sister during those years, who else may he have or still is abusing. People who committ sexual abuse just dont usually stop. If he abused her then most likely he has other victims as well or may still have children whom he is abusing now if he has access to them.
Okay what should your sister do now? Well for one she should get some therapy, especially if the abuse is having a negative affect on her life. Which is very possible. This is something she has to do for herself. The best thing you can do for her is to be there for her and let her know you are there to help her with any of this. Let her know she can come to you with any problems she has. Be there for her. As to going to the police with this. I would encourage this. For different reasons. One. For some closure for her. Since her stepfather doesnt want to admit that he hurt her or made her suffer from the abuse then some legal intervention might help her get some closure knowing that some justice can come from this. Its hard to tell what would be able to get done legally. But it should still be attempted. As far as the statute of limitations on this abuse, I dont know. This could be answered by a detective at your local police station. But another reason this should be taken to the police is that he may still be abusing children or he could have other victims as well. Most likely though, the police would investigate these allegations. At least by doing this you can say you tried. But it will not do any good unless your sister is willing to turn him in. But I wouldnt try to force her into doing this. She deserves some justice and this is a way of getting it. The stepfather is being threatening like this because he knows he is guilty of the abuse. If he wasnt then most likely he wouldnt be acting in such a threatening way.
I think the best thing for your sister and boyfriend is to stay away from your mother and stepfather and that whole side of the family. If your mother wants to see your sisters children. Your sister has the right to say no. If she does decide to let her mother see the children, then I would make sure it was at her own house and not around the stepfather. In fact, I wouldnt want any children around him. He is a child molester and there is no reason to think that he wouldnt abuse these children if he had the chance. As to your statement about killing this person. I dont think killing him is the right thing to do. But turning him in is a step in the right direction. And you are correct in that it will be a lot of emotional stress on everyone. There is nothing easy about this. You and your sisters situation is very similar to my ex wifes story. She was sexually abused by her mother and stepfather when she was a child also. Later, her and I got together. She hated them for the abuse. I helped convince her to turn them in. She did and they were arrested. They spent a little time in jail and in the end, they plea bargained the case. Her mother didnt get anything because her husband took all the blame. The stepfather only got a slap on the wrist and some probation time. They even let the other children back into the home with them. Even though my ex told them they had been abusing them as well. From what we know, he sexually abused my exwife, her stepbrother and stepsister, her half brother and others on his side of his family. He got little or no punishment from all this. But my exwife did get some closure at least in making the attempt to help her brother and sister. This was around 1990. The laws were a lot different then. Recently, he was arrested again for abusing his grand daughter from his stepson. He again got probation but he is on the registry now. Its strange how some people can fall through the cracks in the legal system and not get the punishment they deserve even though they themselves have caused a lot of hurt in people around them.
Its true, I was one of those bad people but once I was turned in, I didnt deny anything. I did want help and I got it.
But in the end, the important thing is just to be there for your sister and support her with all this. Help protect her and her kids. And it wouldnt hurt for you to talk with a detective and get some information and see what can be done legally. I am sorry for all you and your sister are having to deal with. My own families situation wasnt as severe as this but it was still as equally hard on the people around us. You stated that all this crap is like a big soap opera. Its is indeed. And it could get worse before it gets better. Where is it written that you and your sister should have to go through all this. You all have done nothing wrong. All of this because of one persons deviance and denial of the truth. I truly am sorry for your sister and yourself, because I know the pain that I have caused others in my life as well. Whenever I hear of other peoples suffering, it takes me right back to my own actions of my past. A reminder of why I dont want to cause anymore harm. I hope I’ve been of some help to you. Best wishes and if I can ever be of any help in the future, feel free to contact me. Thanks Danny
hi danny ,,thank you for your reply ..
my father years ago said my sister acused my stepfather of abusing her at 12 years old, he then denied it …
he now admits something happened but only to a small thing, he called it her being inquisitive,he let her play with his bits and he touched her and thats all he will admitt to, he says it was wrong and a moment of weekness ,,,my sister has spoken to me more freely about what happened but doesnt like to go into detail ,,(fair enough)
the reason my sisters boyfreind put the details on facebook was becous they had had a massive bust up about the abuse and how she was dealing with it ie,, still seing my mom and stepfather and has done for years not realy seing my stepfather but having to in order to see her mother ,,,basicaly putting up with his presence in order to see her mom.
the stepfather is now telling people she (my sister) has a big mouth and is making all the rest up and she has been isolated by her family ie the two boys she grew up with.. they all beleive the stepfather ,,,and he has allways idolised his boys and they love him dearly and i know it would be hard for them to beleive but looking ta it now it just seems like he has wrapped himself up in an image of a totaly loving and loyal dad for the rest of the family and she is on the outside ,,as to the threats against my sisters boyfreind i dont know what to do …the stepfather followed the boyfriend the other day and confronted him and said he better get my sister to get in contact with my mon as she is having a hard time not seing my sister and her children and also saying that he had better watch ouit coist he (the stepfather) has people lined up ready to deal with him …
the man is sick,,,he is almost pushing the isue and he will force my sister to go to the police ,,,is he mad i would have thought that he would keep quiet and let them be and not stir things up …
as to killing him i would not do that as i have children …but he is sick ..and should not be allowed to get away with what he is doing ,,,hes almost terrorising my sister and boyfreind for what HE has done …
i have allways said to my sister i will allways be there for her for whatever she needs and would gladly help her go to the poilice but only if she wants to ,,,i wont push her to do it ..
my sister lives just around the corner from them but will be moving in 2 weeks to the next town 8 miles away i have told her to keep it a secret and then make up her mind about the police,,,
as to counceling i have allways told her to seek it as i also beleive that would be the best first step for her ,,,i love her and want her to get all the help she can as i feel her personality has been damaged by the abuse ,,,now as i look back over the years of her teenage life and early twentys i can see alot of seft destuctive behavour drink ,,heavy drugs ,,she has been an heroin addict but cleaned herself up years ago ..and the more i look at her life i see the effect all the years of abuse has had on her ,,,
i soppose i just needed to talk it out its her problem but the stress weighs hevy on me at the moment.
i think i will take your advise on one thing though ,,,i will ask her to go to the police and see what can be done as i also beleive it would be the start of some kind of closure for her ..
i think im also going to have him checked out as in england there is a law that means anyone can have anyone checked out if they have acsess to children and their is any susspicion.
if he has a record for it that is….
one last thing .
this man used to dress up as santa every year and visit all the grandkids
their are 11 grandkids and most of them are girls under the age of 7..
he is a danger to them all as far as i am concerned …all the near family know ,,and i have spoken to one of his sons about it, and when we parted i said to him :i have told you everything i know and i beleive my sister not just becous she is my sister,but becous of all the details and now i have told you and my conceice is clear that its now your choice to let this man near your children ,,,if anything has happened or did happen from now on i have told you ,, >i dont think any of them either beleive my sister and even want to beleive her, thye think she is making it all, up…why ,,,why would she make it up what would she have to gain and he has admitted to it allbeit in his own small way …
graham
Hi Danny,
I recently found out my boyfriend has a conviction for having sex with a young boy, for which he spent several years in prison, and that he is also bisexual.
This has been a lot of issues to take in at once, but I love him very much and do not want to walk away. I have been reading stuff on the internet since I found out, and your story is the most helpful thing I have read so far. Thank you for being so honest and sharing yourself to help others.
What I want to know is: should I stay with him and continue to support him? I want to help him live a happy family life, which has been lacking in his life so far.
Oh yeah, I should have said, I have 2 teenage children who know what he did and they still want him to be part of our family. Also their Dad (my ex-husband) is very supportive and thinks we should stick by him. We have known him several years and he has never done anything at all to either of my children.
Hello Elizabeth, I’m sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. As to your question in regards to whether you should stay with this person or leave him. I dont think anyone should be making that decision but you. I think this is a decision that needs to be yours and yours alone. I will say this. I think you shouldnt rely on just his past offenses in making a decision on whether to stay or leave. This is something that had nothing to do with yours and his relationship. This is something that is from the past. Judge him on what you know of him now. The kind of person he is now. Granted, his past offenses are important to some degree. You need to know what all happened and what was the out come. For example, did he receive any kind of treatment? Keep in mind that perhaps he has this issue under control, a person who comitts a sexual offense like this has all ready crossed that invisible line. Once you cross that line and offend, especially in regards to a child, he will always have the potential to reoffend. Hopefully he wants to never reoffend. His problem will always be in the background of his life. So it’s important for you and him to be as honest with each other as possible. He needs to be able to trust in you that he can come to you if he is having any deviant fantasies or thoughts and you will not judge him. Needless to say, keep an eye on him for anything that is not normal behavior. One of the biggest mistakes for someone who has comitted a sexual offense is believing that they no longer have a problem. There are things that can cause a person to move back into deviant thoughts and fantasies. Stress is one of them. Secrets are not good either. Its hard to be doing the wrong thing when there are no secrets. You and everyone close around him needs to know his situation. No secrets. He needs to know he is accepted by those around him and that he can count on them if he ever has any problems again. Maybe he wont, but he could. You speak of helping him live a happy family life. This indeed is whats going to help him stay on the right path. Dont be afraid to talk to him about his past offenses, its a part of who he is. Its unfortunate but its the way it is. When you do talk with him about his past offenses, the things you are looking for in him is him taking responsibility for the offenses. Its also important to note that he should feel empathy for the victim and see that his actions caused harm to the boy. I guess the best way to put things is not to make a problem out of something if there is no need to but not to ignore it as well like nothing ever happened. He does deserve a second chance to move on with his life and be happy and be a productive member of society. As to whether you should leave him or stay with him. It sounds like from your post here you have already answered your own question. Well I hope this helped in some way. Best wishes and good luck with everything. Danny
Dear Danny,
Thank you so much for getting back to me and writing such a long reply.
Things have moved on a bit since I wrote. The stress of all the revelations about my boyfriend’s past have led to him having a breakdown. However, he agreed to seek help and his doctor has referred him to a psychiatrist. I’m praying he will get the help he needs to deal with all his issues.
I think you’re right that honesty is really important. There is still stuff I need to ask him and understand about his past, but I can’t do that until he is well enough.
And as you guessed, I am sticking by him!
Well if you stick by him….PLEASE never have kids with him! If so and something happens you put the gun in his hand! IMHO
Hi Elizabeth,
I know your post was to Danny but it has been stuck in my head for the past few weeks. I have 2 boys that were molested by their father as well as a niece and nephew that my ex molested. We are not talking violent abuse, this is what Danny was explaining about knowing it was wrong but being in denial and convincing yourself it is love at least with my boys. However this was very traumatizing. I think anytime something that a child knows is wrong but is being done to them by someone that is suppose to love them is traumatizing.
When I felt strongly that my kids were going to be OK at the beginning of their therapy I was very supportive and compassionate to my ex husband because of the abuse he suffered as a child. I prayed for him to get better (be able to control his urges)but now as I watch my own boys suffer I have lost my sympathy. Watching my boys go through therapy and trying to deal with this is just almost more than I can handle. My ex knew once he crossed the line that he had urges that he could not control and he chose to sentence his own children to the same type of miserable life he lead. Regardless of how he twisted it to justify it in his own head he knew it was wrong, he even suffered from depression and suicidal tendancies. Even though the boys are in counseling, there is no guarantee that they will not become pedophiles or suffer from many obsessive compulsive behaviors that can be caused by physiological changes in the brain resulting from childhood trauma. No guarantee they will even have a normal sex life. When we love someone, sometimes we think we can make things better and want to give them the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully your teenagers are prepared enough not to allow any type of abuse to happen should he have those urges that are uncontrollable however someday you may have grandchildren, nieces, nephews or others in the family that you are responsible for protecting who could end up being just as devestated as my boys and neice and nephew should he give in. I feel horrible that I couldnt protect my neice and nephew as well as my boys and I didnt even know about my ex husbands problem but if I knew and didnt protect them I couldnt even imagine how I could live with myself. Like Danny said this is a personal decision and you may want to believe it will never happen again but what if it does and to someone you love? A relationship with a pedophile is playing Russian Roulette – sorry Danny!
Hello Sedonna, No apologies are needed. I agree completely with your analogy of having a relationship with someone who has committed sexual offenses. It’s just a simple common sense fact that there is no cure for someone who has committed a sexual offense, especially one against a child. Even though I have done everything I possibly can do to make sure that I never reoffend again, I will always have to live with the fact that there is a possibility that I could reoffend again. It sounds nice to say that I never will offend again but that is delusional. Do I think I ever will reoffend? No. I have a lot of protections in place that reinforce me never reoffending. That is where the treatment is important. Part of the bigger idea behind treatment is getting the offender to see that if they knew ahead of time the kind of damage they were causing around them that most of these people wouldn’t have offended in the first place. And this is really true. While a person is actively offending, it takes a lot of denial in order for the process of offending to take place. So it’s not uncommon for them to block out things around them. I saw this happen in my own situation. A lot of people only see the victim but there can be so many other secondary victims as well. Sorry I got off track there. For myself, to help protect myself and others, whenever it has come up, when I start to date someone, I always make sure they don’t have any kids. It’s just not worth the risk for me or them. Other things I use to help me not reoffend is the thought that if I ever do reoffend, then that will be the end of any kind of relationship I will have with my children. Me reoffending equals prison, it equals being locked away and most likely never seeing my parents again until they pass away. All these things equal pain and suffering to the people around me who care about me. I just can’t bear to hurt these people again. Not reoffending has not been that hard to do. But I don’t pretend either. I know I will always have to deal with deviant thoughts and fantasies. Since these things manifested them self from an early age, they are a part of me. They are my demons, I guess one could say. Best wishes, Danny
Elizabeth,
You are asking an offender advice about your offender boyfriend? You want to invite an offender to live with your children? You asked your children their opinion? They are kids. They don’t understand the danger this man of yours presents to them. You are potentially putting your own children in harms way. Even if this guy is able to reform, which the statistics do not support, you are taking a chance with your kids lives. Danny has the whole thing neatly rationalized for you, doesn’t he? Think for yourself. Think about your children and their safety and their sanity. You brought them into this world, so you are responsible for keeping them safe. Your boyfriend will have easy access and convenient temptations in your home. Trust your gut, not Danny the pedophile, who means well, but has a slanted view, or maybe even a secret, or unconscious agenda himself. This site is here to further his own cause, not to help you or protect your children. He made that very evident in his answer to your message. Please, please, please protect your kids. Keep the pervert away from them.
im a victim also of sexual abuse… alot of it i belive i surpressed… i beleive i had been in a relationship for 5 yrs with a convicted sex offender but in the begining didnt know a clue about what that was… i had no idea about men preying on babies and children… since he told me he didnt do what he was charged with ..i belived him… i had a child with this man… i feel like i am in complete denial that he would ever do that to his own child…. since hearing kilroy’s (danny) version and story…it has kinda made my eyes widen, and i feel a sense of betrayal and shock… so i wonder is he in complete denial and wont ever admitt to it? he tels me for 5 yrs that he doesnt masturbate and yet i sometimes find adult porn still in the dvd player or vcr…… i read an artical online yesterday how a man published a book thru amizon .. with instuctions on how to lure and intice a child… kinda like a guide for pedophiles for dummies book….thats soo crazy … things in this world i find it gettin worse and worse….a child? a angel sent from heaven and they hurt them… i often times feel paranoid, because he comes around and wants to see hiz son… but i havent yet told him that i think i beleive he is a molester. so he thinks i dont know….. so i feel bad when i have to make excuses as to why he cant visit his son….. i feel so guilty for having a child with him knowing he is a sex offender, but was neducated as to what type… this question is for DANNY….. HOW LONG DID YOU ABUSE YOR SON..? AND how did your wife react? when you were “In the act” did you feel like you were dissassociating, or did u know what u were doing? did your sn ever show signs that he was afraid of you?…or did he still act like nothing happened… im curious because i want to see if i see signs in my son… do u have any suggestions as to what i can do to see if my son is being molested or has????
by the way…he did go to a treatment place,,, he said it was court ordered…said he learned about things he had never heard of…. he also has friends who are sex ofenders that he met at his groups….. i wonder if pedophiles share info…on better ways to not get caught…how to lie str8 in someones face….. he is always soo good to me.. but i think its cuz he wants to keep me around so he can be near the baby….. does he not see him as his son?? does he see him as just a child… he doesnt like to be around people…..i mean what are signs?
Hi Keesha, to answer your questions. The abuse lasted for about a year and a half. How did my wife react? Well she didn’t have any idea the abuse was going on until I was actually arrested. She at first wouldn’t accept that I had done what they were saying. Not until the detective told her I had confessed to the abuse. And yes it did devastate her. When the detective told her I had confessed, she just collapsed. She told me this later. That was back in 2001 and of course we are now divorced but to this day it still hurts me knowing how much I had hurt her. Of course we are still friends now. As to the actual abuse. I don’t feel like I was disassociating. I knew what I was doing but in my mind I didn’t feel that I was causing any harm. The whole denial thing. I told myself it was a way I was showing my son love. Of course now I know that was completely untrue. As to my son showing signs of being afraid of me. No he never was. He was never forced physically into the abuse. There was never any type of violence or physical pain involved. You have to keep in mind that when it comes to the media and our society anything related to sexual abuse has to be considered violent and painful. This simply is not true in every situation. And please don’t think I am trying to play down the seriousness of the abuse. My son was never forced to do anything. If he said no, then it didn’t happen. He was never physically hurt or in pain in any way. I know this may be hard to read and that others reading this wil most likely take it out of context and try to make it sound like something else but this is the side of sexual abuse that you don’t hear about very often. Even though I was screwed up the head, I did truly love my son and causing him any pain or harm was the last thing I wanted to do. Of course now I know that there are other kinds of things that caused him harm. In his case, the abuse was not traumatizing, as is the case sometimes for some victims. What was more traumatizing for him was when his family structure was destroyed. Even though I never abused my two other children, it was as equally hard on them with all the moving and lack of family structure. Who’s to blame for all of this? I was. Later down the road they have all told me that they have forgiven me but it still hurts me today to think about the suffering I caused them. Even though the abuse was not physically or mentally traumatizing for him, the real damage was from him being sexualized at too young of an age. Such as in my own case when I was young. This can and most often will change how a child views sexuality as they grow and this can distort what a person sees as normal or acceptable. There is a time and place for sexuality in kids but it’s definitely not when they are that young. My son received therapy and he is now almost 17 and seems to be doing pretty good with everything but that’s just the problem. The affects of sexual abuse may not manifest themselves when the child is young but may come out in their adult lives. It never was my intention to harm him. Our relationship is pretty good now today. You asked if he acted like nothing happened. Of course he never acted as if he had been abused. At first he didnt know he was. I even told him what we were doing was wrong and that he didn’t need to tell anyone about it or I would go to prison. He loved me so he didn’t say anything. Later after I was arrested, I did find out that this secret he was keeping was causing him a lot of stress. While he did indeed love me he knew that what I did to him was wrong and both I and his mom had always taught him that keeping secrets were bad. But at the same time I was causing him to keep this secret. This stress was what started causing him to act out. His grandmother, my mother was the one who actually found out about the abuse. She and my sister were the ones who turned me in. Then, I wasn’t so thankful for them doing that. Today I am. You want to know if there are any signs of your son being abused. Well I don’t know all the information about this father of your child. He has admitted that he had been in treatment because it was court ordered. Of course when this abuse happened is very important because prior to Megan’s law, sex offenses were often treated with a slap on the wrist. People convicted of sex crimes got off with little or no punishment. A lot of the laws we have today didn’t exist say 10, 15 or 20 years ago. What that means is that a lot of serious offenders never got punished or treated the way they should have been. As to your child and there being signs of abuse. There are things to look for. But at the same time you can’t let your fears get out of control or you may be hurting your child as well. I don’t know the age of your child but depending on how old your child is, you should be looking for behaviors that are out of place for the age of your child. Just simple acting out is not necessarily a sign of abuse. One of the more important things to watch for is sexual cues. Educate yourself on what the different ages of a child should know about sexuality. Basically your child should know certain things and not know certain things about sex at different ages. For example, a five year old should not usually know certain terminology about sexual practices or slang terms for sex or the anatomy. But keep in mind that children will surprise you in what they pick up from their other friends from school. You would be shocked to hear two seven year old kids talking amongst themselves about things. The amount of swearing would shock you. Children are much more knowledgeable than you might imagine. They know what they can get away with around their parents so you never see this side of them. But basically, if you over hear your child talking about something sexual that they shouldn’t know about at their age, that could be a sign. Of course also, if your child is or has been abused, probably will not be talking about it with their friends. The best thing to do is educate yourself about childhood sexual abuse. Talk to your child. Depending on how old the child is, and their knowledge of sex. You can ask if anyone has ever touched them in an inappropriate way or if anyone has had them do the same. I don’t think it’s wrong to ask them if their father has ever touched them in a bad way. I just don’t think you should push too hard or you could scare or anger the child and this will only push the child away from telling you the truth if anything has actually happened. About the most you can do with the child is try to explain to them that they can tell you anything anytime they need to and you will believe them and that if anything bad is happening to them, that no matter what you can make it stop and they can be protected. Like my own son, he didn’t tell on me because he loved me and he didn’t want to see me get into trouble. I abused his love and trust that he had in me. While I abused that trust in my son, trust is also something that a good parent needs to stress upon with their children. That child needs to know that they can completely trust you in that you will always be there to help them if they need it. That they can trust that they can always come to you in a time of need. Of course I don’t necessarily encourage a parent to eaves drop on their child because of the privacy you should respect in your children but when there is a question about possible sexual abuse, yes I do encourage it. You have to do it in order to protect your kids. In my own situation, there have been some situations in the past when my ex would tell about something or I myself would see something that seemed out of place in regards to how my son was acting or how he was acting with his siblings. I encouraged my ex to monitor his activities just to make sure nothing was going on because unfortunately because of my actions, my son is at a higher risk to be an offender himself. It’s not his fault, but vigilance is important so if anything is happening, it can be taken care of early instead of it causing him or others grief down the road. Be very aware of the times your child and their father are alone together. Don’t be above using some other means to keep up with their conversations, i.e. digital audio recorders. Again, I’m not encouraging you to monitor every moment of your child’s life and their fathers, but the problem is if there is something going on, most likely neither the child or the father is going to just come out and tell you about it. Again, I don’t know about the age of your child but if they are old enough, then they may have a cell phone or use the internet. If you suspect abuse, don’t hesitate to monitor these things. As far as computers go, you can use key logging software to track what’s going on. Again, don’t get crazy about it but don’t ignore it also. Okay as to your question as to the father going to treatment and having friends he met there who are also sex offenders. To the question of them sharing info on how to be better offenders. I’m sure that there are people out there like that who do just that. Was there anybody like that in my own group therapy group members? Could have been, but to my knowledge I never saw it if did happen. The thing you have to keep in mind is that in most states, if you are in a treatment group, then most likely you have been convicted of a felony. Convicted felons who are under supervision (probation and parole) cannot legally associate with one another outside of the group setting. To put it simply, if someone or a group of people want to do bad things, then they are going to do so no matter what kind of rules they have against them. Most of the people in my group had families and children. Most of them just wanted to get help and try to put their families back together and move on with their lives. Do pedophiles share info? Sure they do but it’s not usually the people that are in treatment. The ones who do this usually have never been caught yet. You made the statement that he is so good to you and that you think he is only doing that to be around the baby. The best advice I can give you is to just keep your eyes and ears open to anything. Don’t jump to conclusions unless you have the proof to back it up. The best thing you can do to protect your child is to just keep a watchful eye on your child as well as the baby’s daddy. Other signs to look out for in your baby’s father is things like his social interactions. You stated that he doesn’t like to be around people. That in itself is not proof but is a concern. Try to learn more about his social interactions. Does he seem to prefer the company of children more than adults? When you go to social functions, does he hang around more with younger people more than with his own age group? Does he frequent social activities that are suited more for younger people? Of course this still doesn’t prove guilt. Like I said, be aware of his behavior without him knowing. If he knows you are watching, he is going to show you what you want to see instead of his true self. That is, if he has anything to hide. The point being. No one ever knew about that other side of me. People who either abuse or at least have deviant thoughts go out of their way to make people around them see them as perfectly normal individuals. I hope I’ve been of some help to you in this matter. At the same time, it is not my intentions to cause you to over react or freak out about what to do. I just think it is a good idea to be honest about this stuff and not try to sugar coat it. If there is anything else I can help you with and you don’t feel comfortable discussing it openly on here, feel free to contact me by email kilroy@hughes.net Best wishes and good luck with everything. Danny
You know, don’t you, that when you say your son wasn’t traumatized, that you are still in denial!!! Often trauma like this does not rear up out of the psyche for many years, and that is what your poor boy has that to look forward to, along with the destruction of his family life. You are so out of touch, despite all your lovely words. Wake up. You did serious damage to your son. You may have rationalized it at the time, but why are you still doing so. To think you did not do deep, deep damage to him, and that he was permanently affected shows you are still living in some perverse dreamland.
Many of the adults who have delayed symptoms, end up either killing themselves, or having serious sexual difficulties in their marriages, and, if they are the lucky ones, their relationships will last through their years of counseling, . Others go on to become what you are. I pity your son for all the suffering to come. Wake up Danny. If you are going to tell others truths, you must accept them yourself. Maybe then you can actually help your boy if you can face the damage you have done to him with complete honesty. He was affected!!! He is still affected by what you did to him. He will always be in some way affected by it! Dear God help you both, and your poor wife.
Dear Keesha, I’m sorry I forgot to add something to my last post. I think this is something that you need to discuss with your sons father. He needs to know of your concerns about this. You probably know him better than anyone on how he will react to bringing this subject up. If you think he will react badly, then I would advise you getting a third party involved. Are you basing your concerns on something that has happened with him and your son or is it based on his past and how he acts about it? But be careful in bringing in a third party in this matter. Such as social services. Its so common in our society today that when one hears of someone who has committed a sexual offense, people tend to jump to conclusions about that person and will assume they are still offending. Which may not be the case at all. But you do have a right and responsibility to keep your child safe. And yes, the media does over sensationalize the sex offender problem. You only hear about the worst cases because they are going to get them the best ratings. The whole sex offender problem is not simply a black and white problem. Its very complicated. Society and the government try to lump everyone into one category. Every situation is different and has different circumstances. I cant stress strongly enough to use a lot of tact in this situation. Especially if you are basing your concerns from his past instead of something that has happened now. The worst thing you can do right now is to let yourself get upset and make bad decisions based on fear and misunderstanding. It sounds like you could use someone to talk to about this. I would reccomend finding someone who has a good head on their shoulders and is not quick to judge others that you can talk to about this. Its obviously something that is bothering you very much. Best wishes, danny
Dear Keesha, I’m sorry I forgot to add something to my last post. I think this is something that you need to discuss with your sons father. He needs to know of your concerns about this. You probably know him better than anyone on how he will react to bringing this subject up. If you think he will react badly, then I would advise you getting a third party involved. Are you basing your concerns on something that has happened with him and your son or is it based on his past and how he acts about it? But be careful in bringing in a third party in this matter. Such as social services. Its so common in our society today that when one hears of someone who has committed a sexual offense, people tend to jump to conclusions about that person and will assume they are still offending. Which may not be the case at all. But you do have a right and responsibility to keep your child safe. And yes, the media does over sensationalize the sex offender problem. You only hear about the worst cases because they are going to get them the best ratings. The whole sex offender problem is not simply a black and white problem. Its very complicated. Society and the government try to lump everyone into one category. Every situation is different and has different circumstances. I cant stress strongly enough to use a lot of tact in this situation. Especially if you are basing your concerns from his past instead of something that has happened now. The worst thing you can do right now is to let yourself get upset and make bad decisions based on fear and misunderstanding. It sounds like you could use someone to talk to about this. I would reccomend finding someone who has a good head on their shoulders and is not quick to judge others that you can talk to about this. Its obviously something that is bothering you very much. Best wishes, danny
Keesha, Your gut is telling you something, I wish mine told me. Depending on how old your son is, you can always have a forensic interview. Prayers for you and your son.
I am glad you have all those systems in place to help you and I only wish that everyone else could do the same but 70% of people reoffend and since you don’t know which 7 out of 10 will reoffend, to me it is not worth the risk to my kids. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to help others understand and deal with this. May God give you the strength to never reoffend and allow you to live you life in peace. Merry Christmas Danny
Hello,
First, and I apologize to the pedophiles who are writing in – and thank you for your courage in writing here – but the thought of children and sex revolts me utterly. I mention that because the next paragraph I write contains some anthropological criticisms for the authors that could be misinterpreted as my support for pedophilia. I don’t support, condone or accept it. Second, Kilroy: based on your words and ability to reinvent yourself and heal, I think you would make a great father now. I’d trust you with my children.
Critique of the anthropology presented: your analysis of pedophilia is psychological, not anthropological. You are only taking into consideration the way in which our culture, Western culture that is Christian based, treats sex and children. Yes, in our culture it’s not normal and yes, there are neurological reasons for the “pathology” in our culture – the brain learns according to the social rules in which it finds itself.
But, our culture does not describe all cultures, or the range of human behavior. The Spartans actively encouraged pedophilia as do the Etoro of Papua New Guinea. As many as 10% of PNG tribal cultures have ritualized pedophilia as a normal part of their lives. In fact, the Etoro “know” that heterosexual sex between men and women is a foolish and dangerous act – sperm carries masculinity and is sacred; it should only be passed from adult male to child. The act allows for the transmission of masculinity to continue, as each male only has so much – when it is used up, they die.
Japan, before the Meiji restoration, had institutionalized pedophilia. Shudo, “the art of loving youths” was widely practiced among samurai, monks and aristocrats (each group practiced it differently). Writers discussed the best attributes of youths and wrote about romantic love between boys aged 12-17 and men.
Therefore, your analysis is not anthropological, but psychological. You are only analyzing the deviant behavior of one culture – ours – and not looking at the behavior cross culturally for what it means to humans as a species.
In our culture, pedophilia is inappropriate, criminal and revolting. We learn these associations, they are not “natural” – and this learning changes the way our brain functions. That is why you can measure a pedophile’s brain as different than a “normal” American brain – it is different. Our culture values “childhood.” We imbue it with qualities of naivety, innocence and freedom – unlike other cultures – and this changes the way our brains work.
If you want to do an anthropology of pedophilia, you are going to have to take into account not only Western psychology and neuroscience, but also cross cultural research, evolution and primatology. To do less is simply to create a value laden understanding of a behavioral phenomena.
Hello to all of you who have posted comments since my last one. Danny, I don’t know why, but am thrilled you are using your real name now. I think I understand. I have been away and been busier than I now realize. I have a husband who suffers from many physical disorders and life is more demanding for me than what I first realized I could manage. I guess we sometimes forget we are human and not bionic………
I feel so broken hearted for the many sad, broken lives and hearts I have read about here. I fully feel your pain, anger, confusion, sorrow, rage, abandonment and the why’s did this happen.
I have learned throughout my own life that the battlefield is filled with so much war, rage and hurt. The fact is that even if my stepfather and mother who I know knew of somethings, and I am sure due to that, was aware of the many possibilites of other things happening. Even if my stepfather and mom could answer the age old question of why did you do these things to me, to the other kids, the answer would not bring closure. There is no satisfactory answer to such despicable behavior. And you can’t make normal what isn’t. My mom knew she couldn’t admit to knowing. How sick would that make her? And to this day, she is still with this person. They are lonely, ill physically and mentally, anger filled people who are coming to the final times of their lives with kids that they will leave damaged, fighting for their own sanity and closure. It is normal as pathetic as that is, that one parent will defend and protect the other mate. And sometimes it is out of their own fear of that mate who is so controlling and instilling abject fear of horrific reprisals if anyone finds out outside of the family. I tried to go to a teacher once, who I hadn’t told all the details of my abuse to. She said she had to call my folks and talk to them. I begged her to not. I tried so very hard to only let my intense rage and hatred of this man to show to him to make him understand that I was more enraged than afraid of what he could do and did do. I learned to disassociate the feelings from myself. It protected my mind and heart for a time so I could leave home and move on with life while putting a safe geological distance between me and them. I tried to confront them about the abuse and rape but they always slammed the door emotionally,physically and in distance to me. So I wrote a letter and sent it with a signed signature required by my mom. I wanted her to read about all the things I could speak about from memory since before kindergarten. I know she signed for the letter but I am sure, my step dad took it from her. See he was controlling. He controlled everything in our lives and my mom’s too. If he was mad we best not be happy outwardly anyway. If he laughed we tried to laugh too. WE didn’t own our own feelings. However, I refused to allow this pathetic excuse for a father to control me anymore than he did. I lived two lives. The one at home that I put on a home face for, and the true self that only lived inside when I was home, but was free away from home. For those of you who are just finding out about abuses in your family or significant others, don’t feel you must not feel anger at what is going on. Yes these people are damaged to some degree but it is their responsibility to seek change not yours to change them. It is natural to be as far as possible from someone who molests others. And distance is something that I suggest. But also know that somewhere along the line, they were hurt too and there damage is like the damage you are experiencing too from your own damage. It is easy to judge them as awful. I have had to learn to separate and Danny reinforced this also that one must separate the hatred of the behavior from the hatred of the person. This is still a person who needs help and also needs to be kept distanced from other children or people of his choosing to abuse. I suggest distance, but and when you are ready and without someone pushing you or guilting you, be supportive of the person if or when they are seeking help from their own behavior. I also feel if you can seek legal action that is also something you should not feel guilt over. At 17, when my stepdad raped me, after we got home from him picking me up from a research trip I had won, I had no opportunity to say please take me to the hospital so they can do a rape kit and I can file a criminal report of sexual assault!! These people will protect their sick twisted behavior to the point of threatening to kill you as my step dad did. He had to control and manipulate to protect his disgusting acts. I knew he was capible of killing, but also felt he was lived in a world of intense fear more than I. I wanted to report him. And then I thought about my siblings with our mom who seemed to be emotionally weak. How we we survive? I could only do so much even being the oldest. I imagined all us kids being separated into foster care. Not only would the only support the other kids had would be gone….which was me, but they might be teased and harrassed about their pedophile dad. They had already endured so much from a tiny age.
When I finally accepted what had happened to me as a youth and into adulthood, I finally decided to pursue legal action. The police in Fairmont MN worked with me and the case was investigated. This was over 25 years before. The day the DA was presented with the case, I was told by the investigator that the statue of limitations had run out many years ago. I never knew there was such a thing. My heart sunk. My anger filled me again as though the very event was happening all over again. I cried. I had been in counselling off/on for all my life. Yet I still felt no closure. Why? I felt it was due to not having had any say about what happened. I never got my day in court so to speak. And the day I am referring to is that I wanted to say my peace. That’s all. I just wanted to be heard. I thought if I took it to court, I could recommend a long term committment to a treatment facility for offenders. As much as I felt hatred for Lonnie Coulson, I still felt pain within him. He never had peace himself from his own childhood pain. It didn’t excuse his behavior,but I had learned to separate the act from the offender. I wanted to force him to get help. I wanted him to face himself for what he had become. At the news of my filing criminal charges against Lonnie, I received calls from three of my siblings who were severely abused by him and they threatened me. How dare you do this to dad? What? I was not the only one who suffered at his hand. And now they are defending him when they accused him previously? Yes folks that too is normal as crazy as it sounds. Don’t expect support. Think that you will be alone. And if by a miracle that you aren’t, then that is a plus. Prepare to be ostrisized. And if you can deal with the worst nightmare of your life and be prepared and succeed, then I say go for it. But prepare yourself first. Get help. NO one is going to fix you, but you. You can blame your failures or heartache on your childhood, and as a child you have no options, but as an adult you do. I work in mental health. So much of what I have learned in psychology classes and taught to my own patients, I found so hard to imagine for me. But I knew I had to do what was going to make me healthier. And the counselling offered some help. I found a lot of help through my minister and self help books. But I also found much help through this website. I think experience and the knowledge of another’s burdens from every avenue is more helpful than anything. And prayer….God has been my greatest source of strength and hope. Justice will be in the next world. And there I can tell my step dad and mom that I have forgiven them despite the pain I still fell from their actions. I also had thought of trying a civil suit after the criminal charges fell through. But found no attorney then willing to try such a case. I had computed the amount and type of losses I incurrd from the breakdown and monetary losses from work long term, prescriptions, counselling, neuropsych therapy and loss of benefits from not being able to work full time anymore. I was diagnosed with dissociative thought disorder. I remember the first time I realize that was going on was the day of the rape. I don’t recall much from the point he took some of my clothes off to it ending. I know it took place, but I kept looking out the car window with tears streaming down my face. I felt beaten wore down and a feeling I had lost the most valuable thing to me, my virginity that he preached to me that I needed to have when I got married. Sick? Yes and there is so much more. I remember that I disconnected myself from what was happening as much as I could. I saw the trees and sky and sounds of the woods and refused to be aware of what I knew was happening. At times of extreme stress, I sometimes disconnect even to this day. I find that place inside, the woods all the beautiful nature that surrounds me and loves me. I know it is happening. I was also diagnosed with major depression which isn’t a major issue now, and Post traumatic stress disorder which I still deal with.
Danny, you made me cry for the first time with respect to my abusive ordeal. You apologized for my step dad. NO one has apologized to me or my siblings. I cried to my husband and said “this man who hurt his own children, who was convicted of abusing his child, and continues in therapy and finding healing, apologized to me. Me……. I know in this life I will not get an apology from my folks. I never sought one. I knew better. I don’t feel guilt for not wanting them in my life. And if I had children they would not be in their life either. I don’t trust Lonnie to this day. He would abuse my children. Don’t feel guilt for wanting to protect your children, Or if it is necessary for some reason for you to allow them to see their grandparents, don’t let the children stay overnight or be alone with them. It must be supervised in a neutral place or at your own place if need be. Never leave them alone. And if your spouse or sibling or parent insists on a reason, be honest. ” YOu can’t be trusted with children. So it is supervised or nothing.” Remember it is because of their behavior not something you did. Don’t get sucked into guilt or manipulation. You will regret it.
To this day I long for my peace to be said. I have a copy of the criminal case I filed with the Fairmont law enforcement. I am due to some added abuse to my sister yet who lives in Fairmont, thinking about taking this opportunity to lend a hand whether she sees it in that light or not, to make copies of this case for sexual assault and sending it with a letter that must be signed for to Lonnie and Betty Coulson. The letter will be part of a step my counsellor wanted me to take a few years ago. And that was to write a letter stating my forgiveness without excusing their behavior. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t separate the anger of all the abuse from the forgiveness that I know even God would ask of me for them. I have taken detours the past three years to getting there. It included self help books, spiritual therapy and web sites for self help and validation. Like this one. I never thought Danny, that I would be able to talk to you. I didn’t hate you, I just relived my horror, my anger, and how betrayed I felt for your child. I thought how I can I see it from his side and be forgiving? But you put yourself out there without excuse for what you did. I couldn’t deny that you were putting yourself out there for others to hate you, accuse you and deny you anything good. I couldn’t even read your entire blog. I got part way through and had to walk away. I cried and felt sick to my stomach. It reminded me of what my life had been like except from the eyes of the abuser. I wanted to say despicable things to you like you were my step dad. I immediately felt the pain and confusion of what any abused person feels. It took days for me to finish reading your blog. But I told myself I had prayed for hope, for strength, for healing, for understanding most of all. And here it is. A place of commonality for all of us. We can’t know what it is like to be another person unless we crawl inside their skin and walk around for awhile. I couldn’t run anymore. I was too tired to keep running. The devil is often bigger in our eyes than what it is in reality. Your brutal honesty was so sincere, kind and filled with understanding and compassion for what my shoes were like. I have never gotten acknowledgement. And here it is. Thank you. I didn’t want to send you e mails outside of this site. Please know that trust in general is something I so long for, but fear allowing. I have had to protect myself all my life and when my defenses were down, I got hurt badly. But as I have read the experiences of others and listened to how much you seem to care about their pain as well, I feel I can trust you more. I pray you not be offended at this. I don’t wish to be evasive, just honest. People in my life know that I want to desperately trust, but always take baby steps. I watch and learn and feel from what I see and hear and feel. I am grateful for all those you help with your validation. It is important. And I pray my experiences and actions can be of help to others. How can we help others if we don’t know what they are going through. Experiences are to share. I am sorry for being so far away. But there has been issues with my husband’s health, my own family issues that crop up purely from hearing or understanding them from some siblings. I am dealing with my sister who my step dad, her father continues to wear her down. His abuse towards his real daughter was and still is deeply disturbing. He is such an angry person and with my sister still living in Fairmont she deals with the folks where I have no contact. He wants to make her as miserable as possible. Breaks her down, wears her down and makes her feel guilt for his own misery and pitaful life. NO one can do anything right. He is miserable and hateful and inflicts his anger on her until she feels guilt for getting angry with him. That is one reason I feel this conviction to make a copy of the case for my sexual assault, write the letter the therapist told me to write and send it down there to him with a signed receipt necessary. And I will be done with my peace. If he won’t let me speak to him face to face or in court, then he can read it on a formal complaint that he doesn’t know I filed. I want him to know how much he has inflicted on all of us. His greatest fear was being found out. I want him to know just how much others know and how little power he really has. I am weary of my sister being the brunt of his intense abuse. She is almost 50. She is married with a daughter who is spoiled and verbally abusive. She threatens to hurt herself if she doesn’t get her way. My sister’s husband is rather cold and I feel their marriage is rather loveless. And then she has the folks who abuse her without any care for the intense pain she feels. She says she is at the end of her rope. She wishes she was dead. She can’t take any more pain from anyone. So I feel perhaps it is time to speak my peace to the very person who has damaged so many people. My brother is a drug addict, my other brother abusive and was accused by his daughter when she was very young of daddy touching her in a bad place. She apparently had red marks there. Of course the folks accused their grandchild of lying. Of course. We have so much to gain by those painful accusations!!!! I see my youngest sister teetering on the edge and feel as much as she threatened me years ago when she found out I had filed charges, that it isn’t going to do any more damage than what is going to happen if I don’t come forth. I know the risks after all these years. And I am willing to find peace through this process as I have been left with no other alternative to saying my peace except to say nothing. that has gotten me no closure. I Know there is a good possibility I will be excumunicated so to speak from what sibling relationships I have. If my step dad ends his life has he has said he’d do to not be found out, then so be it. He chose to do what he did and never thought to get help to save us from himself. And then he tossed us all out like we are so much garbage. He needs to hear from me what he did to me and the other kids. I would have been glad to do it peacefully in private. Now I will copy the criminal complaint and send a letter with it. Let him hear me via that avenue. He made the choice to lock me out so he would stay safe with all his and my mom’s dirty little secrets. I have forgiven even if it doesn’t sound like it, but nothing erases memories. I have just continued to find positive outlets for accepting them and helping others with the same experiences. Danny I am glad you are using your name. I am proud of the progress you say you are making and the people who you have helped through this site. It will only strengthen you in your quest for health and happiness. God bless and I won’t be gone for so long next time. Trish
Hello Trish, Yes I just decided that i might as well use my name. By using my real name, it seems like it people I talk with on here that it might seem a little more real. In your statement,”(I also feel if you can seek legal action that is also something you should not feel guilt over”) I think that in any type of abuse, legal action should be at least attempted. Legal intervention is about the only way that someone who is guilty of sexual abuse is ever going to be able to admit what they have done. This secret is such a huge one, that person will never confess to those crimes without the motivation of the authorities. And if they cannot admit to those things then they can never get the help they need unless it is court ordered. In this statement,”(The day the DA was presented with the case, I was told by the investigator that the statue of limitations had run out many years ago.)” I have heard that in some states that they have chaned the law about statute of limitations and have removed them so that you can go back further and prosecute someone. Its something you might want to check out. And I understand what you say about how you wanted to say mean things to me because of how it made your memories of abuse come flooding back to you. When I was going through my deal, me and my then wife, she started having issues with me because of my abuse of my son, had brought her own unresolved issues of her own abuse back to her. She would get angry with me not because of me abusing my son but it made her abuse seem real again. She apologized but it didnt make her pain go away. She is around 38 now and she still has unresolved issues with her own abuse that I dont know if she ever will be able to deal with. And yes, you are correct about walking a mile in someone elses shoes for awhile. That is what I wish people to see. That this issue of sexual abuse isnt always a black and white issue. That while there are monsters out there, not all people who committ sexual abuse are bad. They have done bad things but their actions does not always speak about their character. Some people will always see me as a monster but most of those people will never know me. Most of the people who have known me for any length of time then find about my past have a hard time believing that I would have ever done anything like that to my son. And like I tell them, good people can sometimes do bad things. And these people who have found out about me, have continued to stay friends with me because while they dont like what I have done, they cannot deny the other things they know about me either. I think it is great that you are pressing forward with filing a criminal complaint and forcing him to sign for it. I think you are doing the right thing. Best wishes and I do hope things get better for you. Danny
Danny, what is ttyl? I have wracked my brain and can’t figure it out. I wish to keep hearing from you as well. I think we started something positive and good for others and ourselves. I know this site already existed, but we seemed to help others come out of the shadows too. For that I am so thankful. Peace is so wonderful.
Sheehan_2009@q.com
Only if you are comfortable. I think I am now. I will still have a little wall up, but know that is just a normal reaction. I don’t believe you will hurt me. If I thought that, you would be so far gone from me. But trust is hard for me. Please understand as I try to understand your difficult places. Thanks for your help and friendship.
Trish,God bless you. I am lucky I got to say my peace to my ex from myself, my boys and the rest of the family and it felt like a world of hurt was lifted of my shoulders. I hope you get the same chance one way or another. Btw ttyl is talk to you later
Sedonna thank you for clarifying ttyl for me. I knew it had to be something so simple. I can seem to figure out difficult things but have problems with the easy stuff.
Also I am glad you got a opportunity to speak your mind with the abuse you and your children dealt with. I am so sorry you had to even deal with such irrevocable trageties. One can get help and it will help to some degree and of course your heart has to be in it. Also it depends on the extent of the abuse and duration. But regardless, it is still horrific memories one must find peace with. I am glad you shared with so many of us. It truly is a deadly disease that kills the spirit and soul and mames the mind. Even with help, it never goes away. It just becomes less traumatic. Best of wishes to you. God Bless
Trish
This is mostly for Sedonna, but also for everybody else who has been worried for my kids. I am so touched by your concern. Please be assured that ever since we found out about my boyfriend’s past offences, he hasn’t had any contact at all with them. He hasn’t seen them or spoken to them or anything. Because of his mental health problems I don’t know if we will be continuing our relationship or not, but either way we have agreed that he will never be left alone with them. Thank you to everyone who contributes to this site. It is so helpful.
Elizabeth
God bless you for doing what it takes to protect your children. I do feel empathy not only for victims of abuse, but the abusers who are easy to hate, but harder to love. I have realized from many places that I must always separate behavior from the person and try to focus on their good side. And be supportive of those who seek help and desire to change despite how hard that may be. One of the person’s who has been an influence in that area is Danny. To see and feel the emotions of the other side of the fence, helped even though I first wanted to scream out, why should I feel bad for you?
But abuse seems to perpetuate abuse and we must love and try to forgive others. Even if that means from a distance. And they need to understand the reason’s why and accept our boundaries however temporary. I am so glad to hear of what you are doing. I wish my mom had been as loving and protective. Best of wishes
Trish
Danny and whoever else may have confused something I said…Back in 2000 or so, I spoke with a detective from Fairmont,MN and told him about the molestations and sexual assault. He worked up the case and was not aware of the statue of limitations, which I was not aware of either. The day he was going to file the case with the DA, he was told by the DA that he needed to contact me and let me know that the limitations had run out years ago. I was heartsick. It seemed like every possible avenue for him to not be caught was open for him. After several more years of therapy, I was told that I needed to write a letter of forgiving them and telling them how much they missed out on due to their behavior. I wasn’t ready to write that letter. I had so much anger interwoven into the disgust and almost hatred for their actions, and I didn’t know how to separate the behavior from the person. Now I am at the point of writing the letter due to the help of this blog and other self help avenues. So what I was thinking in writing that letter and sending it, was to copy the documents of the legal case that was drawn up along with the detective’s findings and send my letter along with that. I would like both of them to know just how close they came to being exposed and that it is on file that this complaint of sexual assault was file. They are paranoid people and for them to know that anyone out of the family and most especially the police know, would make them think and perhaps it will stop him from or at least he will think about getting turned in if he tries to hurt anyone else. That was what I was talking about. I wanted to make a copy of the criminal charge I filed even though the statue of limitations ran out years before I filed. I still feel it important that they know the police were contacted and the case was worked up by detectives. I’d appreciate any comments about if you’d do the same thing. Thanks so much
I think that if it is going to help you find closure then I think it is the right thing for you to do. Just please be safe about it.
Being the curious soul I am, I was puzzled by what you meant by “being safe about it.”
What could you anticipate going wrong? I already told my sister who lives in the same town in an e mail that just as I had to call the police because of her talking suicide couple weeks ago, that I feel it is a good thing to have a record of incidents in the event of future repercusions by those who are causing you pain or abuse. I mentioned that the case I had filed with respect to Lonnie and the sexual abuse, that it was on file with the Fairmont law Enforcement agency in the event something ever happened. I grew weary of allowing others to manipulate my life and heart by their sick, cruel and “secretive” behaviors. I will never be able to confront him and mom personally. I have tried so many ways and times. This at least if it gets back to him and I hope it does, will make him think and hopefully protect any children they may have around or adult women. He doesn’t discriminate. It is the only way I can be sure the tables of power have changed. I don’t want to overpower anyone. I just want to be heard and it was their behavior that kept me at a distance everytime I wanted to confront them. I don’t feel guilt about it. I am tired of people in the family saying “poor dad, how could you do this to him after all he did for you?” REALLY? You lived there, he beat the hell out of you and knocked you off chairs and made you bleed and then sucked the heart and soul out of you. ONly to dispose of your worthless body after. No I don’t feel guilt. He committed the crime, not I. We were just edpected to keep it secret like closing up the windows so no one would hear what was going on. I believe he would never allow himself to be taken in. If possible I could see him taking mom’s life and then his own. That would be unfortunate, but still I would feel no guilt for his own actions. So please explain what you meant. I am not pursuing this criminal case. The detective already worked the case back 10 years ago or so, and at the point of it going to the DA, it was the DA that said the statue of limitations ran out long before the case was ever filed. But it is still on file as having been filed. And that is what I told my sister who lives down there where the folks live. They are making her life as they always have, a living hell too. But it is her dad. And she feels a certain guilt for her anger at him. He provokes it. And still does. So I feel no guilt. Nothing will happen to Lonnie. I just want my sister to know and if she tells him that is fine by me. I knew that was possible. And was hoping he’d know. I want him to feel what it is like to feel cornered, scared and alone. How do we ever feel what others feel unless we are in their shoes. I want him to know his dirty little secret is on file with the law enforcement agency. That would scare him and hopefully he will watch what he does. I just want him to know others in law enforcement know all about what happened. Am I afraid of him coming back to me? He is in his late 70’s. He has health issues and has stopped nearly from communicating even with his own children of which my sister there is one. He makes my mom stay isolated too. He still and always will control until the day he dies. What a sad and paranoid existence.
Hi Trish, What I meant about being safe about it, was just that. Of course we do not know all the facts about your abuser, I meant be safe in case he was to try to retaliate and be violent. Some people will go this route when they are put in the corner. We just dont want any thing bad to happen to you. I apologize if I have made you angry. Best wishes. danny
Danny
No you did not offend or make me angry. I was angry in what I said about the things in my life, but not angry with or at you. I only wanted to know from your perspective what I might expect. Knowing them as I do, what I said is what I’d expect. I have had most of my life to think about the repercusions of various scenarios but I always wondered if I did the right thing, and had wished opportunities and information had opened up to me when I was younger. If anything, I might expect that Lonnie would tear into mom as I am her daughter and he is my step daughter. He always made her know and me too, that I was not his. That was his excuse for raping me. He would have this union that would make me a part of him. Sick? Yea sick for sure. I didn’t believe him of course. I knew it wasn’t my fault. And I knew his justification was his way of making it seem ok that he violate me in the way he did. Anyway, back to repercusions. When the folks would decide to abandon me again, usually when I didn’t conform to what they expected me to believe and do “for the family,” they would use my siblings, the oldest boy Jerry and sometimes Mike and Denise to get on me about how I had hurt them!! And I sometimes got threats over the phone. Once Jerry called at our old house, and said I know where you live and if you continue to pursue this legal case against dad, I will come to your house. Lonnie was a powerful person but lived in intense fear. I know that. I have looked at all the avenues he could try to use, and that is one reason I wanted Denise to know about the criminal case on file with Fairmont Law Enforcement. And since you knows I will call poice to find her and be sure she is safe, that I have also filed a case for Lonnie. Like I said it shifts the power of control. I am only using that as a means of survival and protection. They don’t want to push my buttons. I use to back down to a point. No more, I will die for what I believe is right, but will also be sure the rest fall with me. So I doubt they will do anything. Words only go so far from them. I appreciate Danny, your concern. I know you are only interested in my well being. So am I. I communicate with you so I can get the understanding I have sought for all my life where these issues are concerned. Thank you for caring. Hope you understand what I was saying. This is the only place I can vent the very massive amounts of emotions I have dealt with all my life. I have said these things to counselors too, but it wasn’t the same. I feel I am getting somewhere on this web site and with the help and concern of many including you Danny. So if I sound angry, I probably am, but am venting as I know others must feel as I do. But the venting is not at anyone here, it is to finally put some things to rest. Thanks
ttyl
Trish
I came here looking for answers. Your stories are just too much for me to read just yet.
3 months ago my husband was arrested for internet child porn. Our house was searched and all computers seized… they had been investigating him for 3 months.
That incident hurt but what came next destroyed everything I ever believed about the world. He was bailed out of jail and upon hearing this news my 13 year old daughter told me he had been molesting her for the entirety of our marriage… 9 years. She was his step daughter… and I thought.. I thought he loved my kids. I thought he loved me. I trusted him with them.
He was abusing her at night a lot while I was sleeping in the next room. Lots of times while I was at work or just out. Really any opportunity he could find… and she never said a word…. showed a single sign. Neither did he… he was odd, angered easily and wasn’t interested in me sexually for years but I so desperately wanted it to work.
He abused my son as well. Little bitty children.. he abused and I had no idea. How do you live in a house for 9 years and not know what is going on? I don’t sleep anymore. I close my eyes and see images of what was described to me… or see him bringing me flowers or saying he loved me and knowing that it was all a lie. My life was a lie and a complete betrayal. He began abusing my daughter before we even married. He searched me out… I was young and wanted stability for my children so badly. How selfish was I? So quick to trust. Never questioning, never SEEING it. How could I not SEE? …. nobody saw.. so many were close to my kids and none of us suspected a thing. We are all just gutted with guilt.
My daughter mutilates herself. After coming forward and turning him in.. even after getting busted for the internet stuff he claims innocence… his defense… I can’t even discuss it it makes me so angry and disgusted. But he is free on bail and my daughter lives inside her head feeling worthless and can’t control the urge to end her own life. My son was just admitted to the same hospital. He too, feels depression and thoughts of suicide.
They are just children. MY CHILDREN and I never thought this could happen to real people. I need to talk to someone who has been through the court process or at least understands what I am going through.
Hello. I hope I can be of some help to you. Of course you should know that I was at one time on the side that your husband is now. Of course I’m not that same person now. This may too much for you and if it is, I understand. If not. I may be able to give you some of the answers you are looking for. Also, I would like to say that I am so very sorry for what you and your children are going through and have went through. Every time I hear these stories from other people, it makes me remember the suffering that I myself had caused. My ex felt similar feelings like you have described here as well. I do have a couple of questions if that is possible. You said your husband is free on bail. I’m assuming this is in relation to the child pornography. Has the abuse of your children been reported and has he been arrested for that yet as well? And. Have you sought any counseling for yourself. If not, please do that for yourself. And even though I was the abuser and not the victim, i do know the pain and hurt you feel. Me and my ex stayed together for awhile after so I was able to learn what it was like from her side of it. Again, I apologize if this contact is unwanted. Best Wishes, Danny
Dearest Broken Mommy
I feel your exhaustion,your heart break, your pain and all the pain and guilt of what you are beating yourself up for. Mommy’s are suppose to protect their children. I know that is what you are feeling. You are bearing the brunt of all that seems hopelessly lost and never to be the same again.
I was a victim of sexual abuse since I was a tiny girl at the hands of my stepfather. My name is Trish and I have several entries on this site. To know how someone understands what you are feeling, your children are feeling, please read my entries. I am so deeply and heartfeltly sad for you and your children.
And as much as you feel betrayed and were, you must not betray yourself and your children. And at all cost have him charged criminally with the sexual abuse of your children and the emotional abuse he has and will continue to put all of you through. He must be charged. And you need to get a restraining order for you and your children. There is no marriage to save. And none of this is your fault. It is more pathetically common than I care to say, that mothers as it stastically is the case, don’t know it is happening to their children or in some cases they do, but live in such denial of things that don’t seem right that they just don’t see. And some mothers are in constant fear of their own life from the hands of their husband or spouse.
But you must take hold of yourself so you can hold what is left of your family together. You must feel empowered as much abuse is not about sex as much as it is about control and rage.
I pray you have the means by insurance to get counselling for yourself and your children. And your children need to be a part of testifying against this man. But they also need counselling. And you need to insist on it and if that means they are more comfortable going all as a family, meaning you and the kids, then go as a family. One thing in our family, was all the kids, three were his with my mom and my sister and I were from other fathers. And he abused all of us. Only in different ways. And he abused my mom too. I am sure that is one of the reasons, she quietly “put up” with it. Betrayal……..I know the depth of that word. Trust? What trust. I have had to learn what trust is about, what a normal relationship is suppose to be. Fear? I lived each day with fear and yet I swore I’d not let him see it. I was the oldest. I went before my stepdad on some occasions and told him if he didn’t stop beating my brothers until they bled or kicked them or hit them in the head……I’d go to mom with the rape he did to me. I know she knows something happened. I had no way to go to the police. He felt he was safe to abuse and continue to do so. But this is a different world now. And don’t let him get away with it. File criminal charges and please talk to your children and coach them as to what will need to happen on their part to see him punished for what he has taken from all of you. You all need to come together and be a stong force against this man. And help your children or help through counselling to teach your children how they can feel they have power they didn’t feel they had then. Often and I think it is the norm now, that law enforcement agencies have rape counselling or abuse counselors as part of the law enforcement services. They may be agencies you can be referred to via the police. But that would help with the case itself.
YOu all can survive this. It may not seem that way now. My step father to this day feels no guilt for what he did. I tried to file a criminal case, but the statute of limitations had run out. So pursue this now. It will help with the healing process. It will help you all feel the control you have felt you lost. I also tried to file a civil case also, but couldn’t find an attorney who wanted to take the case cause it was so old. I was going to file for monentary losses from work, benefits, what I paid for therapy, meds and punitive losses. Get the money that it will take for therapy for all of you for now, and yet future. This pathetic excuse for a man, can only live with himself because he denies he did anything wrong. By the time I was 18, I attempted suicide after I left home to live with my friend and her mom. My folks said I had left the family, they didn’t leave me. And that I had imagined all of this. How could I accuse my step dad who had so lovingly adopted and raised me, be accused of doing such horrific things. I must have been on drugs and then when I was put in a locked psychiatric unit after the suicide attempt.. my step dad along with my mom who “had” to support his statements said “see, I told you she was mentally ill.” “Now she is in a psychiatric hospital.” “What she accused us of was horrible and all a lie.”
I was irrate. The ultimate betrayal as you said.
My heart is breaking so much for what you and your children are going through. But as a survivor, I know you too can survive this. And although you will never be the same, you can be more whole again. But you must forge ahead with legal and possibly civil prosecution. And a restraining order and therapy for all of you. But don’t let the children not be included in the process, it will make them feel they are being empowered too. If I can be of any other help, I am here and just leave me a message here for “Trish.”
Also, as much as I thought I’d never be able to thank Danny for his perspective and help being on opposite sides of the fence, he is a good person despite what his life was. He is trying and I know he wants so much to help to help him heal from what he had done.
God Bless you
so even when they do commit to these crimes.. they still deny to the fullest they didnt do it?…. i dont understand how ba person can just go about doing these things, and continue to look people in the face everyday like nothing happened. sometimes i wonder if people who are trying to “recover” have triggers. and because of them they act on it. what pisses me off is that this shyt happens when we are sleeping. and being deaf is hard enough. with a two yr old who cant talk for himself is scary….and it seems we all for tyem cuz they know soo much about kids cuz they have to or else they wouldnt know how to conect with them, lure them , befriend them….. my ex knew more about children than i did and i am a first time mom…. its so sad …
This is very difficult for me, but I am desperate. My granddaughter has told me that her dada has been touching her inappropriately. This may have been going on for a year. She is now 4 years old. She is very intelligent and talks very well. When she first told me, I was so shocked. She did not realized what she was telling me. I homeschool her and am very close to her. At first I thought that she may have seen something inappropriate on the television. I then realized that she knew exactly what she was talking about. I began to watch her more closely. Upon examination, when she told me her too-too hurt, I would notice sometimes that the vagina was swollen. Because she is very allergic to acids, I reasoned that maybe, the acids had swollen her. One day after church, she asked me: Granny, why did you leave me. Later that night she asked me to check her. She was very swollen. I was distraught. I told her mother who seemed to be oblivious to the situation. The baby has even told me that the mother has fussed at the daddy for doing something. I have confronted the daddy and he has denied everything and said that his daughter is lying. He has also told his daughter that he could go to jail. The baby refuses to tell the mother about anything in fear of reprisals. My daughter and her husband are rapidly trying to move from my house now. What can I do. I do not want my granddaughter to be trapped in a situation like this. She confides in me because she feels that Granny can fix this. Please help me fix this. What do I do. I am about to explode. However, I want to do the best thing for her. I want to make the correct move. Please answer me. Thanks.
Grandma Anna, Please let us know how your little angel is!
Hello Anna. From what your grandaughter has told you and how her parents are behaving, it sounds like you need to go to the authorities as soon as possible. Doing anything other than this would be doing a dis-service to your grandaughter. Not to mention, you have a legal responsibility to report possible abuse. Meaning that if the authorities found out that you had previous knowledge about this and did not report it, then you could very well be charged with something as well. I would suggest as soon as possible, take this child to child protective services and tell them what you know. If nothing wrong has been done then there is no reason for no one to worry. The social worker will go from there to get a detective and go from there. There is nothing easy about this but it has to be done and as soon as possible. Has there been a misunderstanding? Let social services determine this with the girl and the parents. Okay so one last time let me tell you what you need to do as soon as you get this post. TAKE THE LITTLE GIRL IF POSSIBLE AND TAKE HER TO SOCIAL SERVICES OR A POLICE STATION AND TELL THEM WHAT YOU KNOW AND THAT YOU THINK THAT SHE MAY HAVE BEEN ABUSED. DONT WAIT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, DO THIS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. The sad thing is that the mother should be doing this herself. I dont mean to scare you but time is very important here. I hope this helps you and if you need anything, then please feel free to let me know. Be strong and do what needs to be done. Thanks Danny
CAll THE POLICE ASAP BEFORE THEY TAKE HER AWAY – do not wait – do not worry about anyone except that little girl that cannot protect herself and obviously her parents will not. You knowing what you know can be held accountable for not reporting it and the little girl could be taken away from all of you! Please HELP her NOW!
Grandma Anna
I am a victim of sexual abuse by my stepfather. That was back in the ’50’s to the end of the 60’s. My grandma, his mother apparently knew or at least she was not surprised when I told her. She said “I know.”
My mom did not protect me either. Please don’t let this issue die. File a report with police and child services. They have people that are experts in interviewing children of abuse. If this is really happening she told you because she believes you will help her. Don’t leave her in a potentially dangerous situation. It is also a legal responsibility for you to do something. Is the mom not around? And are there other children in the home? Has the child been acting out more or more withdrawn or behaving differently? If you think about it and have been around her enough, you may recall things that didn’t seem right about her behavior. Please save her from this situation. And if it isn’t true, then one needs to know why the child would say that. It isn’t a normal thing for a child to just blurt out.
having just read through these comments my heart goes out not only to those who have suffered abuse but also to offenders who have redeemed themselves somewhat. i noticed there have been no comments for a couple of weeks now and am concerned for the grandchild of grandma anna. has there been any recent developments?
I found this website as many of you looking for an explanation, I have found in Danny’s point of view and recovery an insight that I hope will somehow help me to overcome the situation that my family is going through at the moment. 7 weeks ago the police arrested my husband bcos my 12 y.o. daughter told a friend (who told the teacher)that he (her step dad) has been touching her for more than a year, she was very small when we got married and he was the only father she knew, they seemed to get along very well and there was no reasons of concerns, we got together a 6 y.o. boy and he already had two grown up children from a previous relationship that are already living apart but who have a very close relationship with him. My husband was the kind of man everyone would come for an opinion, hardworking, family man, lovely husband etc. When he got arrested he denied everything and blamed her on trying to get him bcos she was being naughty lately. I supported my daughter even though at the moment it was hard to believe and I was hoping it would go away and everything would be normal, like having a magic wand.
Before he was charge he left the country, and that made sad as i though it would be the chance to get help and start over accepting what you are, just like Danny, and being able to see his son and have a good relationship with him.
I was told he went to his natal country and the the have no jurisdiction there to bring him for trial, I believe his punishment will be missing out what we had together, the family, his family, his son, his older children, that he loves so much.
He recently contact me, and he accept what he did, he says that he’s going to get help and that he know there is no coming back he would still like to know from us. I was told by someone i trust where he is that he looks really bad and that he’s seeing a psychologist at the moment. what I heard from him and it really got me sick its that he wouldn’t harm her, that she would look for it and the she would even have orgasms, but that it was his fault bcos he was the adult and the one to blame and he want her to start Therapy as soon as possible for her to recover and not feel guilty in the future. She doesn’t know i spoke with him and I don’t push her to tell me details, I just believed her from the beginning as she is a sensible girl.
She is due to start therapy this week as I made sure from when it came out to get the help we need. I am trying to hold on and just support her in every possible way, I’m trying not to feel guilty for marrying him and trying to keep it normal for the sake of my boy but it seems to keep going deeper and deeper.
Danny Do you think, he can get to the point where you are (he was also abused as a child but only disclose it as an adult)that he can be helped, I don’t know if thats possible without the court order but privately. And by the way Just to clarify I wouldn’t leave my children to see him until he accepts it to his family, (as my mother and sisters in law think she is lying) and get the proper help to accept his condition and start over.
Many thanks for the advice that can be given.
Josephina Franco I address you as one who was on the receiving end of emotional, and sexual abuse from a young girl to when he raped me at 17 and I ran away at 18. You can find my story under Trish here. My heart is so heavy with sadness for all of you. I am glad you are getting therapy for your daughter and hopefully you as well. There is so much to process in these life changing situations. The fact he returned to his own country where he can’t be touched says a lot too. And the fact that you said he said she was being naughtly lately {I think he is trying to find justification} of which there is none. Perhaps if she was being naughty as he puts it, she was trying to ward him off and get him to stay away. Once a victim begins to challenge the abuser, at least from my perspective as a victim, it can be worse for some and for others make the victim a challenge. In their own sick twisted minds, they find justification for their actions. Danny has been a help to me. Even if your daughter did have physical responses to the sexual abuse, that is normal. The body responds without the brain telling it to. It doesn’t distinguish that this is a pedophile versus a normal man with normal sexual desires with a normal girl who this is consexual sex. So to try and degrade her with those comments is only adding to how pathetic and sick he is. I would be curious if he ever had touched his own children. Or abused them in any way.
And even if he gets help and legally faces what he did, and all this is true that your daughter is accusing him of doing, I would never let him see the children, your children without strict supervision. Never any overnights or unsupervised visits. If he can’t understand that, he hasn’t gotten it yet and is unsympathetic to those he abused and doesn’t care about their ongoing pain. Your daughter will live with this the rest of her life. The abuse must stop here. Trust must be and should be earned. And only if your daughter feels comfortable with supervised visits as well. I know I am not comfortable with seeing my step dad even in a room full of people. It makes the nightmares come alive. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from all my abuse. The memories even for your daughter, will never go away. But with distance from her abuser and therapy and love and support, she can find a way to be more at peace with it all. YOu can’t change the opinion of those who think this is all a joke and your daughter is lying. I still even if he admits his behavior and wrongs to his family and children, and gets help, still would only allow supervised visits and that is if your daughter would be willing. Remember he committed the crime, not her. It should be her decision if she would be comfortable with supervised visits. See it through her eyes. Many sexual predators say what you want them to say or what they think you want them to say. And it took years to make him this way as much as I feel empathy for whatever damage was done to him. It still doesn’t give him license to do this to others. He didn’t seek help for his own abuse. The cycle must stop. Please get help for all of you. The focus is on helping the rest of the family, you, your son, and daughter to find peace and healing. Your husband has to get help and face what he has done as well. But in his own place, not yours. Everytime your daughter has to face him, she relives the abuse. And he makes her feel guilt for it by accusing her of liking it. Would you like someone taking something so precious to you, from you without any say? Many sexual predators will try to make the victim look equally at fault. She is the child, he is the adult. Please don’t let him be alone with the children ever. It took years to be who he is, and it may never change him from that. It is rare that pedophiles can be treated with success. Danny I believe is the exception. I know it has to be very hard work, but the difference to me, is that he seeks this change, not the courts for him. Best wishes from my heart. And if I can help with any questions from the perspective of the victim, please leave a message here.
Trish
Hello Josefina, I’m sorry to hear about what has happened to your daughter. From what you have written here. There is a lot of different issues at hand that needs some discussion first and foremost is this. From what you have said, your husband is still a fugitive. You stated that you would not leave your children to see him until he accepts it to his family. In my opinion you should not be seeing him at all. Period. First things first. In order for him to even start to make things right and begin to take responsibility for his actions, he has to come back and turn himself in. By him running away, he is telling you, your daughter and the rest of the world how much he cares about her and you and his son. He cares more about himself first and foremost than he does about sexually abusing your daughter. This is only my opinion but I think he is the last person you should be concerned about. Listen! He abandoned everyone he supposedly cared about. I dont think you should waste your time on him until he does the right thing and turn himself in and starts taking responsibility for his actions. I think that is enough time wasted talking about him. I dont mean to be so harsh. But he abandoned you all. Take care of yourself but more importantly, take care of your children. This is I’m sure a big blow to them more so. Get them whatever kind of counseling they need. Love them, support them, hold them, be there for them. Your husband is irrelevant at this point. Your kids are real and here and they need you now. For me, when I was arrested, I admitted to my crimes. I didnt make my son into a liar. I screwed up. I screwed up my families life and I have lived with the consequences of those choices. But I did what was right for my son. You asked if I thought your husband could ever get to the point where I am at? No one can really know but from what you have said, I would say most likely not. Treatment for sex offenders does work but it only works when the person truly wants to be helped. Running away to another country is not an act of going in the right direction. I dont want it to sound as if I am fussing at you. You havent done anything wrong. I just think that you need to keep the priorities straight. And I’m sure you are. Like Trish said, if you need any help or someone to talk to, feel free to ask or you can email me. While it may seem crazy right now, you and your family will get through this. Danny
Danny and Trish,
Thank you for the reply. I now everything is so recent and believe me I’m trying my best for them, I have done everything possible to make it normal but still supportive and knowledgeable to the facts, not like if didn’t happen but showing them we can get through this, also showing her how grateful I am for her telling someone before he did something worse. But I believe Danny is right and I waste to much time thinking and crying for what he did and how can it be better, no to be together nor for my girl to see him, but for my son who adores him and miss him so deeply, however I can’t change his choices and better safe than sorry. Thank you Danny, bcos reading what you wrote made realized that he did have a choice and chose thinking about himself only, and not starting over but hiding what he is.
I’m very confused at the moment and even though I’m back to work and the routine, sometimes I feel I cant cope, and my mind change of ideas and my chest feel like a tornado , specially bcos I don’t have family here to rely, I do have good friends that look after me and my children. but sometimes I wish I could just cry it out and let someone else take the responsibility for a while.
As for them, Even I feel really bad I still manage to go swimming, parks, cinema, church etc I’m getting them and me for therapy and I’m also spending as much time as possible together, showing them that I love them and that I’m here for them. But i need to focus all my energy in them and nothing else, God will guide us and give us strength.
And Trish don’t worry I wouldn’t under any circumstance allow him to see the children without supervision, even if I have to play along for my boy. And I would respect my daughter decision if she doesn’t want to see him at all ever. But thats thinking about in the future, right now, not even under supervision i would leave him to see them, First get things sorted and in its place. I feel safer and glad there is a big ocean between us and that if he ever gets back to the country he’ll be arrested.
Thank you for your advise at this moment I feel more calm and prob I’ll have a good night sleep.
Josefina,
My heart breaks for you but I can tell you I have walked in your shoes and I felt the exact same way. The emotions just fly from sad to angry to confused, worried about him to worried about your kids until you dont think you can take it anymore. I will tell you that it will get better. I am now 6 months out and still have some settle mixed emotions but the crazy, feelings like I am going to burst have subsided. Unfortunately as a mother (especially without much family)you dont get much or any down time to deal with your own feelings so I am glad you are getting help. I could not have gotten through this without my faith and my church which was a huge support. Take all the help you can get and just know there is a light at the end and you will get there and so will your kids. My boys also absolutely love their dad and suffer the pain of missing him as well as the abuse. I also know my ex loves them but since he was abused as a child you would think he would never want to hurt his own kids like that but somehow in his twisted mind he could justify it…maybe as love. I think he could block it out and dissociate from what he was doing but then later had extreme guilt. I dont know but I went around and around trying to figure it out until finally I gave it to God and focused solely on my boys and that felt so much better. I think you just have to go through the process, whatever that may be for you but you will get through this. I will pray for you!
Grandma Anna,
Please let us know how you and your granddaughter are doing.
I am worried about you both.
Josephina…I am so glad you wrote again to let us know your thoughts. I did not have family to go to either. It was me at 17 and my siblings were all younger and my step dad wanted nothing more than to isolate me from them as he knew I had nothing left to lose by shouting his disgusting behavior to the world.
You have so much whirling around inside of you and being the head of household now, makes it so hard like you say. You feel like you need a break and just let someone take care of things for awhile. I surely understand that feeling. I have felt it off and on most of my life. I am grateful you, if in the future that scenario presents itself, won’t allow your children any unsupervised visits. I am not suggesting you should go to that place right now. But have known women who did out of guilt for not allowing their father or step father to see them despite the harm he caused. So I was speaking preemptively. You must first get your household in order emotionally. I hope you have insurance for therapy for all of you who need to be there. I am uncertain what your son knows about the present situation, but he may and it wouldn’t be abnormal for him to verbally or physically strike out against those who are not letting him see his dad. So that is a viable possibility just in case it happens. He may resent his sister and you and blame you both that he can’t see his dad. I pray that doesn’t happen, but working in the field of psychology, have seen that happen too. I am trying to not overwhelm, but open the mind to possibilities based on other’s experiences too. And thereby allowing you to preemptively take those things into consideration when dealing with your son. But immediate needs are first and foremost. Did you file a police report despite him fleeing the country? A report probably needs to be on file. Be on the defensive as far as preparing for anything he might try to do. The fact that he fled, to me is an admission of guilt and a desire to not face legally his responsibility to the harm he has caused you and the children. He should not be considered. He left all of you with all of this. So you need to do what is right for you and your children and be sure there is a report on file. Also many police headquarters have rape victim counselors and or social workers that you can contact. They generally have many contacts that are valuable. I couldn’t go that route as I left the town my folks lived in. My step father with all his guns was a threat to me and he made it a point often to remind me that he would hunt me down and kill me if I ever told anyone. I think it is good if you can sit down with or in a group therapy with your children address what has happened and why the step dad or dad left. Everyone ought to be on the same page. In abuse situations there usually is too much secrecy and that isn’t healthy either. And then you all work together as one strong unit. You also need to have someone that is close that can help even if it is to let you cry. You must cry. It will only build up like a time bomb. It won’t go away, it will cause you to explode eventually. It is normal to cry. And it is healthy. It is the body’s way of ridding the excess garbage to the landfill. And do normal things too. Like you are mentioning here. If you can have spiritual counselling that is awesome too. I am still getting that. I don’t know if your ex would try to sneak back into the country and cause further harm, but maybe changing locks too. But seek legal routes also to put into place all the measures you can to get your story out and documented and start getting help through your minister and therapists. And give no regard to the ex. He made his choice and now he must live with what he has done. I pray for all of you and please if it is possible, keep up apprised of what is happening to you. Even if you can journelling it here also. I found that to be therapeutic as well as talking to a therapist.
God Bless
Trish
Thank you Sedonna and Trish for the reply.
I went to see my counselor today and I feel much better, The children will start the Therapy next week (as there was a mistake with the referral). And yes Trish there is a police investigation and a case against him,if he ever comes to the country he’ll be arrested and I don’t think he’ll try, also first thing I did was to change the locks.
Sedonna I don’t mean to sound horrible (as this is something no one should come across) but it’s good to hear from someone who has been there and has recovered or in the way to. My faith and my children keep me alive, I was wasting too much energy thinking about his conditions etc, and now I decided to do my best just for me and my kids, the rest I’ll leave it to God. Probably its still too soon and my mind is only trying to work out a solution, but I am determined to focussed on them only.
I know feeling the pain at night when they go to bed, and crying until I fall asleep is part of the process, I also know it’s not every night anymore, It will become more distant until it will be just a bad memory. I’m keeping my faith in that we’ll come out stronger…
The only thing its that I haven’t told all the family friends about the reason for the separation, only the closest ones know about it, I though it was not necessary and also bcos my daughter said, they cant do nothing, just said I can’t believe it and poor girl, what happened. and that will be it, so we decided together this. My son is unaware of anything he doesn’t seem affected yet, as in the moment of confusion he asked where his daddy was, and I reply with a friend, then he said , oh he went by plane and just said ‘yes’.He asks about him but I try to make his days exciting and happy to compensate. I’m waiting for this Therapist and together work out the way to tell him according to his understanding, however he knows something is not right and has been more sensible (i mean well behave) than ever, as I say to him, now its mummy, you and your sister and we need to be good to each other and stay together,mummy will be here for you.
So, a big thank you to all.
You are welcome Josefina, You dont sound horrible at all. God always make rights out of wrongs and since I had to go through it, the least I can do is try to help others in the same situation. Dont beat yourself up, you’ll have many emotions and sometimes trying to understand why seems to help…thats how I got to this website. Its OK to double dip and still love someone but hate what they did and that will be something your kids will learn as well because it is so very confusing. It just amazes me how common this is and yet it just keeps multiplying with each person that gets abused. I wish their was a way to stop it all and just start over! Take Care and know you have friends who understand and are here for you.
Josephina
I am so glad you are making progress in working through and beyond this horrible ordeal. I was not a parent dealing with this, but the child of an abusive stepfather and my mom never protected me or my siblings. I am still working through things, but time separates us more and more from the wounds and allows us time to breathe, find peace,forgiveness and a place where we can go forward without always looking back. It will take time, but you are dedicated to healing and helping your children heal. I only mentioned your son as I wasn’t sure of his age or the age of your daughter. I commend you for making sure you all will get the help it will take. You are a good mother and you all will survive and your love for each other will be strong. I know we aren’t related, but in some sad way, we all on this website are a family of victims and survivors. So we extend our love and support and offer to listen anytime. God Bless you and your children.
Trish
One of my friends struggles with being a pedophile. He’s never acted on it, and says he’d be very tempted to act on his urges if he were given a chance, “the perfect scenario,” as he once said.
Your friend is in a good position if he knows he has a problem but hasn’t acted on it. Since he has done nothing wrong he can get help before something bad happens. I wish my ex would have gotten help before he did something. Not only did he lose his children and sadly his children lost their father. He lost his wife an is now in jail. I can promise he would say it was not worth it. He will have a hard time getting a job and lived a life of heavy depression and suicidal tendancy. Re although hard to admit to get the help he nedsally not worth it.
Sorry, thats what I get form responding from my phone. Anyway what I was saying is that as hard as it is to admit to get help the other option is a million times worse. Your friend can find someone who specializes in sexually abuse etc because I would tend to believe he was sexually abused at some time and maybe didnt get the help as far as counseling. He can start there and when he feels he can trust the counselor he can work on his issues and get the help he needs to prevent his life from turning to hell. Now is the time. This is so common and I wish more people would come forward for help before they act so that so many people dont have to be hurt and so many lives dont have to be ruined. More than likely what happened to your friend was not his fault and he can learn techniques to make sure he never lets it happen. Remember he hasnt done anything wrong and can get help. Danny would be a great person for him to talk to.
Hello. I believe I could be of some help to this person if he would like to talk. The thing you have to keep in mind is if this person wants help with being a pedophile. There are some out there who want to be like that. As crazy as that may sound. But my email is kilroy@hughes.net if he does. Thanks
I haven’t written for a while but I check back regularly to follow all the stories. Despite all the sadness, I find them so inspiring! And even though everybody is different, it is amazing how similar the journeys of recovery are.
My boyfriend’s therapy has finally started – we have been waiting a long time – so I pray he will finally get the help he needs.
My son is also having counselling. Even though my boyfriend never did anything to him, my son is having trouble dealing with it, and isn’t ready to see him again yet.
When you first find out about sexual abuse in someone you love, it’s like your whole world explodes, but my life has settled down again now, even though it has changed.
Danny,
Please help me out! my husband has just been convicted of abusing his daughter (my stepdaughter) who lived with us for two years. he’s still adamant he didn’t do it despite numerous child porn & chat logs being found on his computer as well as his daughters evidence saying he performed sexual acts on her & her on him. the police & lawyers say there’s no doubt he did it so why is he still denying it, even after he’s gone to prison?? i hate him for lying to me, at least if he told me the truth i could try to understand but he wont even give me that despite several attempts to getting him to tell me what happened! i just cant deal with all this, its bad enough what actually happened but that he’s still lying to me too! that hurst me even more coz he knows how i feel about lying & i just dont know what im spose to do, do i put my life on hold?? or do i start again? he’s still my husband & i thought i was gonna spend teh rest of my life with him & ive allways been a loyal person but he’s lied to me so much i cant ever trust him again! the police think he manipulated me too which was probably true, im 11years younger than him & in a way he treated me similar to that of his daughter (treated me like a princess) which is why this is allmost impossible to get my head around coz he was such a kind, loving & gentle person & ive only ever seen that side to him so its like this is all a completely different person. please help me understand, im loosing my mind right now & im so confused!
Hi Bambi, I’m sorry for all that you and your family are having to deal with. Why does your husband still deny the abuse to the degree that he does? Denial is a complicated monster to understand. This denial is whats so hard for most to accept. However, for the majority of people who commit sexual offenses, its not really that uncommon for them to show this much denial in what they have done. Its not uncommon at least for people in treatment in a community based setting for them to take several years to fully accept responsibility for their actions. I dont know about any specific statistics but of course there are going to always be some people who never do fully take responsibility for their crimes. No one but yourself can tell you whether to move on or not. I dont know how long this has been going on for you. I can respect you either way for which way you would go. To stick by someone you love is a good quality but to also hang by someone who may never change is kind of pointless as well. Like I said I dont know how long this has been going on. If I were a therapist, and you were asking me about what you should do, I would probably tell you that you should keep moving on with your life. As far as your relationship with your husband. You have the right to divorce him or stay with him. Is there a rush in getting with someone else? I will say this though. Its hard for a marriage to survive when it is exposed to sexual abuse. Especially when the offender is not willing to take responsibility. As to this side of your husband you never saw. This is common as well. My ex never knew this side of me either. Most people who knew me as well would have told you how nice a person I was and that they couldnt believe I had done such terrible things. It is possible for good people to do bad things. Is there a chance that your husband will start to move forward with these things and try to redeem himself in some way? Of course, but it may take time. But I think most people would tell you that you still need to keep moving forward with your life. Will there be a place in your life in the future for your husband? Time will tell. Those are hard questions to answer. In my opinion, I think you should focus on taking care of your life. There is nothing you can do for your husband. This is something he has to take care of. Do what you need to do to get some peace in your life with this deal. I would suggest getting some counseling with a preacher perhaps or a close friend or family member or even some professional counseling. Being patient with yourself and taking the time is what is going to help you the most. And again. You need to focus on your own life and not so much on your husbands as this is out of your hands. I hope this has helped in some way. If you need anything, feel free to contact me. Thanks Danny
ok first of all i’d just like to say how thankful I am for finding this site & the people on it who are willing to help me, after searching the internet for hours & seeing how little real information there was on this subject i thought i would never find any answers & maybe the only person who can give me that is my lying husband but as thats not possible right now i appreciate any insight ppl can give me & Danny, although obviously i don’t agree with what you have done im very grateful that you are putting yourself out there to help others understand especially when you know the kind of backlash you can get, i think its admirable & i hope more people like you come forward to help those whose lives have been destroyed & i know what a sensitive subject this is & sometimes i don’t exactly word things in the correct way so i hope i don’t say anything that offends anyone, it is not my intention at all by saying this & im not taking away the severity of what he has done i just wanna try & understand.
Thankyou for your reply & im sorry mine is so late! the allegation was made nearly 2 years ago now when she went back to america to live with her mother, he was sentenced at the end of january. Id stayed with him & even married him after the allegation because (& please don’t judge me for this) but i really didn’t believe her. she treated me like shit, threatened me & generally made my life hell the whole time she lived with us (in the uk) & not a single thing that came out of her mouth was the truth, she had lied about so many things including telling everyone at school that her mother was dead (including teachers) & once she told us her friend at school had died, none of which was true. she lied about my husband & tried to split us up constantly coz she was jealous & wasn’t the centre of his world anymore which i guess now i understand a little better but basically she gave me no reason to believe a word she says & even now im still a bit unsure what to believe coz ive seen some of the notes of her original statement & half of i know is total lies like the fact i stopped her from contacting her mother while she was here which is utter bs! & he is so convincing, he’s still adamant he did nothing but obviously he did something coz stuff was found on his computer im just unsure which is lies & which is the truth & its really screwing with my head! is it possible he’s just so delusional that he’s said he didn’t do it so much that he actually doesn’t believe he did or doesn’t remember? or is he just blatantly lying? its just so hard for me to understand, i have always told him i’ll support him whatever happens if he’s just honest with me but i cant stand being lied to & it really pisses me off that he’s basically lied throughout our whole relationship! i need to know if there’s a chance he just doesn’t remember or he’s just taking me for a fucking idiot. obviously we don’t really have a future, his sentence was 27 years with chance of parole in 9 & thats in america so theres not much chance of any kind of relationship after that i just need to know how to deal with it right now coz im scared if i tell him its over & i don’t want contact anymore (he calls once a week) he may actually kill himself & i just couldn’t handle that, i really think im the only thing keeping him going right now, he’s already tried it once but i also hate the fact he’s lied to me all this time & then theres his parents to think about who don’t believe for a second he would have done something like this! how on earth do i tell them he probably did? i cant can i, it would kill them, not to mention they think im the only one supporting him & they probably wouldn’t believe me & would end up hating me.
can i ask some personal questions? why did you do it? why didn’t you turn to your wife for help? do you think its possible to change or control it & do you think there’s anything i can say to him to make him tell me the truth?
Hi Bambi, yes of course you can ask some questions.
1. Why did I do it? Please understand that when it comes sexual abuse, the reasons can vary. I am in no way a professional in this area but I have learned a lot along the way though. For some people, sexual abuse of another is about power. Having power over another person. And as strange as it may sound for some people, it’s about entitlement. They feel they are entitled to do what they choose with that person for different reasons. That a good example of a distorted sense of reality. But then again, I guess any reason for sexual abuse has to rely on a distorted sense of things. And then there are some people out there who are just plain old mean. Perhaps from a screwed up childhood themselves or maybe from a mental illness. For me though, it was about sexual gratification. My victim, my son was an outlet. Was I homosexual and attracted to males? No not really. He was merely a convenient outlet for me to get sexual gratification. In my distorted sense of reality, I saw it as a way of showing him love. In our situation there never was any physical pain or violence involved. I manipulated him by using his love for me and how a child always wants to please their parent. And I don’t mean to downplay any of the consequences of my actions in harming him. I fully understand how I harmed him and how my actions may have long lasting implications for him in the future. Me and my ex have been told by a lot of professionals me and her did everything that we could right for him. My therapist told me that one of the biggest things that may of helped him was that I never tried to lie about what I did and make a liar out of him. Whether anyone ever believes me or not I will always say that it was never my intentions to have harmed him and that I loved him. But of course that is one of the bad things about sexual abuse. You just don’t know if or when those actions are going to harm the victim. My son seems well balanced now but when you deal with the mind, there is so much we don’t know.
2. Why didn’t I turn to my wife? Yeah right. This is a general rule for about 99.9999 percent of people who have deviant thoughts about children. Most will never share this with anyone, no matter how close you are to them or how much you love them. When dealing with this type problem. People who suffer from deviant thoughts and fantasies are going to go to really great lengths to keep this part of them secret. Even people who want help are just too scared to ask for help because of how society looks at them. Sex offenders are not looked at as people with a problem, they are more quickly judged automatically as the worst kind of monster on the planet. And albeit, there are plenty of monsters out there, not all are. A lot of them are not. From my therapy, I have gotten to know quite a few offenders. Most of them I would say I’m proud to know because I see them for who they are and not what they did. Granted though, there have been some that I would just soon not know. But this is going to be true for anyone offender or not. Simply. You have good and bad in any walk of life. But this is why a lot of people associated with offenders like wives and girlfriends and family members never had a clue. My wife never had a clue what was going on. And to this day, when I think about how she reacted when she finally accepted the detective’s word that I had in fact abused our son. It still causes me a lot of pain even ten years later. As it should. It’s something I feel I have to keep with me for the rest of my life.
3. Do I think it’s possible to change or control it? Well. For me I’ve been offense free since 2001. And yes, it can be controlled. What people need to understand is that it is different for different people. There is no cure. For some offenders, it’s easy to move on. For others they have to work harder at it. For me. I know I will always have deviant thoughts and fantasies. The difference is now I have the tools to deal with them. The whole idea of treatment is to get the offender to see the damage they cause to the victim and to everyone else around them. For most people, if they had been able to see the damage they were causing, they wouldn’t have done what they have done in the first place. That where denial plays a big part. The offender’s denial doesn’t let them see too far away from them. It’s like a protection thing. If you don’t let your mind think too far out there then you can allow the abuse to continue. While I will always be pedophile, I know that I will never act on those thoughts and feelings. Because I know how another offense would hurt those around me. I can’t help how I am now. It’s part of what makes me who I am. But like most people, most only see the offender and not the other parts of me. I’m still a loving father who works two jobs to try to provide for my children. One of the problems is that this fear and hatred of sex offenders is fueled by the media. The media is only going to tell you about the sex abuse cases. Usually the worst of them. They need the ratings. Do you ever hear about the success stories of those offenders or do you ever hear how an offender made right and put his family back together? Never hardly. But it does happen all the time. Unfortunately, our society as whole loves to hear about pain and suffering and chaos. That why when you see a wreck on the road, everyone is slowing down so they can get a look at it. Sorry I’m rambling. But yes, I do feel that it can be controlled if the person wants to change who they are. To change one’s self, no matter who they are, is one of the hardest things in the world a person can do. And for some it cannot be done. I’ve said before that an offender has to have legal intervention in order to be helped. This is the reason. In order to change one self. One. It takes a long time. And two. The offender cannot do it alone. For me I had the help of my therapist who set strict guide lines for me then I had my probation officer who was a black southern Baptist preacher, so that was fun as well. I joke but really, I had him keeping an eye on me, and I knew this. So I had to make sure for at least the five years I was on probation that I had to do certain things in order to abide by these different people. And amazingly, what happens when you do certain things over and over for long amounts of time. You change. I did. And at times it was slow and painful. Years ago, it wouldn’t have been anything for me to be in Wal-Mart and see a woman drop money from her purse and I would have taken it in a heartbeat. But now. I couldn’t do it. When I first started to see this in myself, it kind of startled me. I wondered what the heck was going on. I think I’m a better person now.
4. Do I think there’s anything you can say to him to make him tell you the truth? No. That’s all on him. He has to want to do the right thing. Hopefully he will be able to some day.
I hope this has answered some questions for you. Thanks Danny
Hi Bambi,
I am very sorry for what you are dealing with. It brings back terrible memories and I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. No one would have ever believed my husband (now ex husband) was a pedaphile either. Great guy, very sweet, caring, lot of fun, lies, lies, lies even after he was arrested and it is clear as can be, still lies, lies, lies. Amazing how well some people can lie. Seems to be a built in characteristic to hide this horrible sickness. The scary thing is living with someone I didnt even know and even more scary whos life will he ruin next? It will get easier for you to think clearly after you go through all the emotions but it will take some time and their may always be a sense of confusion. Talking to a therapist will help you sort out your thoughts. Praying and good friends will be a huge help also. Hang in there
Thankyou so much for your reply, im so sorry it brings back such horrible memories for you, i guess we are stuck with this crap for the rest of our lives now & be forever reminded that our husband was a pedophile & will probably never get over it & i know how hard it must be for you to put it in writing coz its equally hard for me but at the same time im so grateful that you are willing to share in order to let me know that im not alone. ive never felt so alone in my life & i just cant understand how such an “amazing guy” can do something so wrong & how i can be so so wrong about someone. how on earth do u ever learn to trust anyone again after being so deceived. if someone like that can fool u then what hope does it give u for anyone else! i thought id met my soulmate & we’d spend the rest of our lives together yet he was a completely different person. am i just stupid & how did i not know? thats what ppl are saying aren’t they? how on earth could she not know?? people just don’t understand. he was so convincing i think he even convinced himself it wasn’t true! im just so confused, i would rather he just told me the truth so i could deal with it the way i need to but unfortunately i don’t think that will ever happen. how do you ever get past this coz i just cant see a way right now.
It is actually pretty easy to put it in writing now but I remember the pain when I first found out. It will get much easier for you also. You may be surprised if his parents believe you, they may know something you dont. Maybe he was molested as a child…maybe they know about it and maybe they dont. As far as trusting, I dont think I will ever trust anyone. People are not thinking you are stupid, it is amazing how well they can hide it. In hindsite I now know signs that should have tipped me off but never believing my ex could ever do anything like this why would I suspect it? They have to lie to cover it up. It is a hard thing to admit which makes them very good liars. You will get passed it when the time is right and you have gone through all the emotions. Counseling and praying will help. Your step daughter has learned to live a life of lies also which could be related to what has happened to her and understandable how she could be jealous. Who knows what kind of relationship they had. Hopefully your husband will get counseling through jail and be able to admit, if he doesnt then I doubt he can be helped as he was to admit and take responsibility for his actions. I will never trust my ex again and while I feel bad for his past childhood experience, I cant let it jeapodize myself or my children. Even without the children involved, it is one challenge I just dont want in my life. He has hurt us all way tooo much and will not be able to do it again. I may be single until my kids are grown but atleast I know they will be safe. I hope the best for you and everything will work out. Dont be so hard on yourself or expect to understand because it is really just something that you will never understand unless you are a pedaphile yourself. Just know it will get better.
I’ve worked for approximately 20 years in social services and dealt with a lot of victims and perpetrators and here is what I know. Pedophiles are like the rattlesnake in this Cherokee Myth:
Often times young boys were sent from the village in search of a vision. This was the case of one particular young native boy.
He started to go up to the top of a mountain in search of his vision. And as he climbed up the mountain, the air got cooler and cooler. And he came upon a snake laying in the path. The snake was shivering, and said to the boy. “Please help me. I can’t move, I am so cold that I can no longer make it any further down the mountain.”
The boy said to the snake “No way! You’re a snake, if I pick you up, you’ll bite me!” The snake replied. “No, no I won’t, I promise I won’t bite you if you’ll only pick me up and help get me down the mountain.”
So the young boy picked up the snake, put him in his shirt, and continued climbing to the top of the mountain in search of his vision. When he got back down to the bottom of the mountain, he reached in, took out the snake, and the snake bit the young boy.
The boy replied to the snake “Hey! You bit me, you said that if I’d help you out, that you wouldn’t bite me!”
The snake replied “But you knew what I was when you picked me up!”
The End
The point being they are what they are, what gets me is how any sane, civilized society wouldn’t make a point of putting them straight to death. Why suffer that which hurts children to live?
Bambi…. i couldnt have worded what you wrote any better…. i am going thru the same thing…. my sons father denies it to the fullest.. and everyone thinks he is the greatest….. he doesnt live with us….. but i allow him to visit with him at the park sometimes , while im there of course… my son is two, i am worried because i feel like im going nuts that someone or he could be sneaking in my house at night…. so i got another latch 4 my door. i ask my son how he got the boo boo he always says dada….. so today he started takig his toy dolls and was licking and bitig them then putting them to his private…… he is constatly rubbing his back above his bum…. he says its itchy, but i never see a bruise. he is never around him alone….. how could this be happening? could it have happened before when he was an infant or 1yrs old and remembering now?…. how serious should i take theses accusations. i have a gut feeling his dad has touched him…… he sometimes rubbs his private against my leg,,, what if this is normal two yr old behavior and im over exxacerating… would bringing hm to a therapist be able to tell me if he has been touched….. just asking some questions …..
This is not 2 yr old behavior. I wish I would have known how easy this was to detect. If you take you child to a state run facility that specializes in sexual abuse they can do a forensic interview. If your son was abused you will want to get him help. Luckily he is very young and will probably do well but it is not only important to know for you and your sons sake buthe may be a danger to all other children plus as danny has confirmed he more than likely will
sorry, more than likely your sons father will not get help with out legal intervention. You would be helping everyone but having your son checked.
Bambi
My heart just breaks for you. I was a victim of sexual abuse and rape by my step dad all through out my growing up. My mom knew he was abusive as he abused her too. She didn’t know all that was happening, but knew enough where she ought to have helped all us kids. Three of the kids were her’s and his, and my sister and I, I was the oldest, were from two other fathers.
I never got my say or day in court. The expiration was over and I couldn’t pursue it criminally. But the case was investigated by the detective. I was told it was a waste of time to pursue it civilally. No one wanted to take the case.
Please know that to this day, he denies he did anything wrong. It takes too much courage to do the right thing when you are wrong and are facing exposure of something so despicable as molestation. He may deny it the rest of his life. Do not blame yourself. Most people don’t go into a relationship and marriage thinking their future spouse is a pedophile. That isn’t normal thinking. It is hard often to find light in darkness. But look for it. It is there. Go on with taking care of what you need to for you and the children. You and the children are what is important now. He slept in his bed, and now he has to make it. Be sure you and the children or child get counselling whether it is spiritual or otherwise. I find a therapist is a good thing if they specialize in abuse. And a minister is also a good person to talk to. It is hard to make sense of something so horrific. He is what he is and he must own up to it and take responsibility for it. Don’t feel sorry for him, do what you need and must do for you and your kids. Don’t let him BS you anymore. Promises of change, more chances, no he must face the piper and pay the penalty and get help. And then he needs to make sure he never hurts another person.
Not everyone in the world is like him. But there is enough. He stole your child’s innocence and rob you all of trust. He can’t be trusted now. I am so sorry for all your heartache. I know how hard and troubling and confusing it is and how angry it makes you that he took from all of you, things that never should be. But love yourself and your children. And if possible, file charges for abuse and most law enforcement agencies also have rape counsellors or contacts for help in these situations. But don’t beat yourself up. And never trust him to be with his daughter again without supervision if you are even willing to do that after he has had treatment and paid his dues for what he did. And if his daughter never wants to see him, oh well. Too bad for him. He had changed her life forever. Getting therapy will help, but know that she will never have back what he robbed her of. So hopefully in time you will learn to forgive and understand and do all you can to not be in this situation again. It will get easier with time, but only if you are willing to do the work to get there with you and your step daughter. My prayers are for you all.
Thanks for your reply, everyone is so kind. im sorry u have had such a terrible experience & it must be so frustrating not being able to do anything about it or for him to even admit to it. i know how frustrating it is for me so god knows how you must feel. its hard not to blame yourself really & u know other people must be thinking it too but apparently it started when she was 8 & her mum had no idea either for years what was happening (she’s now nearly 17) so i have little consolation by knowing it wasn’t just me he fooled. she isn’t here anymore, she went back to live with her mum 2 years ago. i think its a bit soon for me to get counselling to be honest coz im still so confused about everything i wouldn’t really know what to say & i don’t really think i have the right in a way coz it wasn’t me that was being abused. i hope you find some closure one day.
Bambi,
I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through I’m myself on the way to recovery, It’ll be slow and painful, it won’t be easy but God and time will heal you. It’s been almost three months since my life went upside down, but I’m so grateful I found out about it one, for my children and then, for me.
I cant tell you I don’t love him any more but I hate him as much as well, and just thinking how bad was what he did and how he wasn’t thinking about the pain it will cause me and his son not to mention that he was destroying the life of my daughter and taking advantage of the love and trust she had for him; as Danni said there is another face in abuse and it does have to have physical pain necessarily, It’s the deception and the aberration in what it’s normal life and love. Its the psychological damage.
My ex- denied everything to his family he even swore them and play the victim, and even when they have doubts then he tried to showed them that she wasn’t as innocent as she looks, putting her word in doubt. He ran away like a coward not to face his actions.
No one can ever changed or be given second chances if they don’t truly admit what they are and what they did. Everyone used to tell me what a marvellous husband I had, he was so caring, so supportive, a family man, the person you go for advise, wise and intelligent, dedicated and passionate about helping others and as you I was much younger than he, and I even have a young looking appearance. It was so hard to actually (inside my heart)believe what he did,even though I give fully support to my daughter and told her I believed her and that it was enough no matter if his family didn’t. A few days after her interview I apologised to the investigator and I asked him if there was any chance it wasn’t true, it wasn’t, It was only my hope. I believed he loved me but his mind is twisted and he is sick.
I still cried at night,(during the day I keep busy at work, the kids etc), regularly I see a counsellor, I do meditation (just starting) and I have friends that support me and that remind me of how much I got, and how lucky I am. All That really helps me.
Bambi, if you don’t feel right about things and about what he says, then you should act upon that, he may realise that he will loose you completely (by telling the true) and lying is stopping that from happening.
Give yourself time, you’ll find out that the actual though of what happened makes you sick and you are gonna wish not to know any more about him, for now focus on yourself, treat yourself.
The sun can’t be cover with a finger.
Best of luck Bambi, and Thank you all for the good messages given to me in my darker time. Specially Danni whose words helped me to open my eyes.
sounds a bit like my husband, he was “playing the victim” saying how hurt he was that she done this to him & i think he is a coward, he always has been, never stood up to anyone, was always trying to be everyones friend & never wanted to be the “bad guy” i think spineless is the word & i hated that in him! he would always let his ex wife, son, daughter or anyone else really walk all over him rather than them thinking bad of him. did you husband ever admit it? are you just as confused as me as to how such a “lovely” guy can turn out to be a completely different person? i totally understand how you still love him, feelings don’t just go away & they seem to be very good at hiding the bad stuff. i think u might have a point there about him thinking he’ll loose me if he tells me the truth but surely he must realise he’s IN PRISON & he’s already lost me really, surely he’s not that stupid, doesn’t he realise he has nothing else to loose?? i keep wondering if he’s just not saying anything coz he has an appeal coming up but i still don’t think he’ll tell me even afterwards. think is if he even knows me at all he would know that no matter what he ever does lying about it is worse in my eyes & for that fact alone, he has already lost me coz he cant tell me the truth even now & that makes me just so angry! anyway, i guess im just gonna have to live with the fact i’ll probably never know for sure.
I’m 52….I was molested by my Biological Father and Brother! I feel biological is ten times worse! I’m not trying to discount those abused by step parents or boyfriends etc!
I grew up in a 700 sq. foot home….(my mother claimed she had no idea) My mother always treated me like dirt! She adored my brother.
Not only did I never feel safe but it did…and will always sicken me that a Biological Father or brother would have any sexual interest in a daughter or sister that’s a child!
They took so much from me! No one stepped up to help me or ask why was I so nervous why did I always talk fast and pace etc…I moved away at 18…
I’m happily married and I have raised two amazing kids….and have gone in and out of counseling for years…It means the world to me that MY KIDS were raised feeling so Loved and Safe!
I feel a healed a lot raising them!
Even though I visited those people and tried for the first 12 years to save them do the Christian thing Forgive etc!!!! I finally gave up!
They can NEVER give me back what they took…Incest is something that affects us on a cellular level!
I STILL have PSTD….I can’t even visit the state I was raised in!
I believe all pedophiles should be put to death! They never have just one victim! They may not kill their victims but they take way parts that can never be given back!
I have been amazed at how many people in the last 40 years that I have met that have had this happen to themselves or to their children…The numbers are much higher because these Sickos get away with it for years before they are caught …if they ever get caught!
Even though I have done very well ….I am still Very affected by my upbringing! No matter how much inner child work etc….I am uncomfortable in my own skin when meeting new people!
Please grandma lady or any other person do the right thing and SAVE that Little Helpless child! No one saved me many people later said they wondered????… but did nothing! )o=
Hi Danny. I need your advice again.
I’ve stuck by my boyfriend through everything over the last few months and our relationship is going well right now. However, my son still won’t have anything to do with him. He is having counselling but it doesn’t seem to be helping him. I’m wondering how you rebuild relationships after revelations of abuse?
Everybody keeps telling me I need to give my son more time, but that doesn’t help because he refuses to think about it or discuss it, so the situation never moves forward. My boyfriend is responding really well to his treatment and his depression is so much better now, but he can’t heal properly because my son not seeing him is hurting him. I feel so torn between the two of them. I know my first responsibility is to my son, but I won’t give up on my boyfriend either.
I know most people would say I am wrong to try to build a relationship with a convicted pedophile, but I believe people deserve second chances, and he never abused my son, even though he had plenty of opportunities to do so before we found out about his past.
A lot of recent posts here have talked about how you can’t help somebody if they won’t admit what they have done and if they’re not ready to accept help. But my boyfriend did admit what he did, and was convicted and is trying to be well. I know it sounds like he is manipulating me to get at my son, but he is not putting pressure on me. I am just really frustrated with the situation.
Hi elizabeth. Heres how it kind of went for me. During my case I couldnt see my son, which was my victim. Although I was fortunate enough to still be able to talk with him on the telephone. My other two younger children I was still able to see them. After my case was over and I received probation, everything changed. I wasn’t allowed to see any of my kids. It was about two and a half years before I was able to at least give them a hug. Did I have issues with not being able to see them at first? It felt like the end of the world for me. Did it affect the depression I was trying to deal with? Sure it did. But I had no control over this so I just had to deal with it and accept that I would see them again someday. Over time it is easier to accept. Bottom line is this. Your boyfriend will have to learn some patience and as to your son. Give him as much time as he needs. Will your son ever come around? Most likely in time, assuming your boyfriend keeps doing everything he needs to be doing. But if your son doesn’t then you all should respect that. The betrayal has probably been especially hard on him. One question though. How do you know your boyfriend has not abused him as well? Because your son told you so? I would assume your son loves or loved him very much. Do you think your son would cover for him? Im not trying to make accusations but this is a serious thing. And don’t let your boyfriend put pressure on you or you’re son about this. Your son will let you know when he wants to communicate with him. I hope this has helped you in some way. Good luck and the best of wishes to you and your family. Danny
Elizabeth-
I have been a long time reader and contributor to this site. I honestly wish I could say it was purely out of interest in this area. But it is out of a heartfelt desire to not only share my abusive life experiences and receive hopeful suggestions but to also hope that others who are not necessarily victims will read and protect those who are in their life from sexual predators.
My name is Trish and you can see my story along the way on this site. To this very day I still suffer with PTSD. When things get overwhelming, I struggle with dissociative thought disorder which means my brain has found a way to escapt the stressors that are scaring me into seclusion in my mind so I can emotionally survive. My step dad molested me from a young child into adulthood even after I ran away. He raped me at 17. Your situation may or may not be as dramatic or it may be more. However I felt saddened by what may have been an unbalanced view of how you perceive how your son should act upon the situation at hand. You say you know your son comes first, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. It feels more like you are treating the boyfriend like he was victimized and your son was the predator. He is a child. Children struggle more than you can obviously imagine at processing such disturbing and dysfunctional behaviors. He is reacting normal to such an abnormal situation. He is your child. Your boyfriend is just that. I am glad he seems to be progressing well in treatment. However people don’t change overnight and I am a bit leary of how much you say he has progressed. The fact that your boyfriend feels your son is holding his own progress back is a red flag to me that he is not truly humbled by his behavior. If he was, he turn cartwheels to give your son the time he needs. I feel a sense of your boyfriend talking the talk and that is cheap. If he really cared about your son, he’d understand and care that your son is not ready. And who knows if he ever will be. Then what choice will you make? I honestly think what ever relationship you choose to have with this person, ought to be out of the presence of your son. Personally I would have my son in therapy and I would also be there. And the boyfriend? Well, I would have to say that I am willing to give you a second chance but there are rules and they will be abided by. And first and foremost, there will be no contact with my son. Any relationship we have is away from my house. You will not contact my son and I will give my son the space and therapy he needs. I have suspicions that he may have also touched your son, but it is only a intuition based on what you write. True change and forgiveness doesn’t come overnight and come easily. I am sure you love your son, but it would be so wrong of and unforgiving of you to push your son into something he isn’t able to do yet or ever. He is your flesh and blood, your boyfriend isn’t. Are you thinking more of yourself and your need to have him in your life or what is best for your son? It is unfair to push your son in this regard. Doing so will only cause more harm and distance and possibly a schism between the two of you that can never be repaired. All I kept hearing after I left home was how could I not give him another chance? How could I not appreciate all he did for me to feed, clothe and provide care. Well I became indebted by the repercussions of ongoing abuse and the many avenues of financial costs that incur because of it. It sounds to me very much like you are hoping someone will say “yes you should give him another chance and your son should just go along with it.” I don’t think you will hear that here. There are too many victims here. Too many lives that are forever changed. Why are you allowing him to manipulate you into pushing your son? shame on you. My pain is for your son. You ought to have strict rules for boyfriend and one is no contact. Your son has good reason for not being comfortable. Trust him and be there for him. Boyfriends come and go. If he is sincere in changing, he will do it for himself, not for you or to have an opportunity at your son.
I am leaving my first ever comment on this page, i searched for some answers to help me come to terms of what happened to my daughter, and all i see is week people finding excuses to why child abuse happens. Destruction has come into my life and my family after someone i loved so dearly abused my child. how can there be any explanation for this ??? x
Jessica
Yes indeed destruction has come to your life and the life of your daughter. And I am sorry that you seem to feel as though the comments on this site only depict weak minds. Trust me, what most of us have endured through our lives being victims, does not compare to a weak person. I see little from anyone explaining why pedophilia is a good thing. If the people who endure such emotional hell and those who committed such hellish acts of abuse, don’t know the why’s and what’s and when’s of such abuse, then no one can explain it. There are many reasons for abuse and often it is a sick horrific disease of behavioral origins. If you don’t wish to believe what you read here, seek counselling and most likely you will pay to hear the same things. The people who go through it, are the ones who know, understand and can empathize with you. You perhaps feel so betrayed by him and know that what you thought, isn’t what was. And now you can’t take any of it back. Pedophiles come in many forms and images, but the origins may vary but there is a common thread with them all. I am so sorry for what you will now have to endure. And what your precious child will live with forever. No one is excusing pedophilia. NO one. And no one is finding excuses for their behavior either, except those who have no desire to change or get help.
I hope you can find the help you and your child need. And be sure to file charges so he can face what he has done.
Yisraela
thank you for your response. to be honest, i am in a place that i want to over come, i read the posts before me and try to find some closure but i know i can only find that within myself. i try to hide what i am feeling,. and wish i could go back to life that i had before this happened i blame myself, not for what he did but becoz i deserve hard times if that makes sense. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me and i thank god for her everyday xxx
Jessica
I think most of us who endured such gut wrenching abuse, want to find closure and to some degree we do according to how patient, what kind of help we receive with specific types of abuse. Not too many want to hang onto the past, but the past is always with us. I had to spend much time dealing with the ugly issues that surrounded my sexual abuse and rape by my step dad. But I was determined to find as much peace with the past and understand the best I could why people do such life changing things. It wasn’t until this site that I found answers to that question. Sometimes the answers are right in front of us as in this site. But we reject the answers, because it doesn’t seem logical and possible. Some things are so complicated as my step dad being abused growing up. Does it change what he did or that I excuse that? No never. But understanding and finding answers within those who have walked in those shoes, helps. We must be willing however to face the ugliness and accept that we can’t change them, only how we react to them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you accept what was done, only that you are letting go now or at that point, and moving into the peace that passes all understanding. And that is, that there are more screwed up beliefs and people than we can deal with. We can’t change them, but only ourselves. And changing our attitude comes with time, patience and taking charge and empowering yourself so his very existence doesn’t drive you to insanity. Many things in life have no logical explanation. Only explanations. Whether we agree with those explanations is another matter. Don’t take on what you don’t need to. Why you feel you deserve hard times I don’t know. But if you feel this, you will not overcome this. You will draw all the darkness to you and it will affect your child. You don’t deserve hard times. You need strength and help to overcome and be the strong force and positive example your child needs now and as she grows. Love yourself. Unless you asked this man to abuse your child, this is’t your fault. Take care my dear.
Yisraela
2embracethelight
You said some very wise things in your post & i thank you for that, i have received some counseling & i think it has helped. Yesterday was a bad day but i think we are all bound to have good and bad days ahead. I agree with a lot of what you said. Sometimes i think trying to work out whys and whats etc, drives you a little crazy. We cant change the past or other peoples behaviors only our own. I have been reading quite a lot on the internet about child abuse and i keep reading how people who were abused as children go on to abuse others, My ex partner was abused as a child himself, whilst i dont think that is any sort of excuse for what he did. It does show some kind of a link maybe. Luckily my daughter told me as soon as it happened & he is in prison now which is probably the best place for someone like him. I hope he gets some sort of help that he clearly needs so he doesn’t go on to hurt others.
Jessica
As much as I hear and feel your anger yet, please know that is normal and yet, it is more tempered than what I felt from your first post. Please know that as my sexual abuse, molestation went on from a pre kindergarten age, and then raped at 17, I am still angry at what was done. There is nothing wrong with hating the behavior. Hating the person is not productive as it will only hurt you more.
Yes abuse begets abuse. However it is not an excuse nor should it ever be. My step dad could have swallowed his pride, cared about himself and gotten help before kids came along. For me, I’d rather die than abuse someone. I took and God also took the abuse and after the rage and attempts to end my life past, doors opened for me to get help and to go to school for psychology. I was offered jobs in mental health. I used my experience more than my education to help others. Each situation was different and the patients lived in long term mental health facilities, but pain is pain Jessica. It really matters not what happens to us, we all share the same pain. And that is what is important to work with and work on. Behavior is learned. Abusive behavior can alter the brain Physiologically and chemically so that it can be very hard to undo. However, if one really wants to change from what was done to them, they can. As children, we have no control, we have no voice, we have no power. What is done is done at least back when I was being abused. But we can go into adulthood, and get help. And should. To use I was abused as a kid, and that is why I abuse now, is NOT an excuse. Never never. If you have been a victim, get help. I did. I have had therapy at some point each decade of my life. I do not want to be like my step father and would rather be dead than abuse someone. It doesn’t mean my life has been easy or perfect. But I have not abused anyone. It is possible, but it only happens if you want it bad enough. Just like the person that abused your daughter. He can be court ordered to get counselling, but it takes a long time, cause he must also deal with his own abuse as well as the abuse of your daughter. Sexual abuse isn’t usually about sex as much as it is about power over someone who is weaker.
Even if he gets counselling, it will only be the beginning of something long term he will have to get help with, and that will only work if he wants to change. No one can change us. I am glad he was charged with the abuse. I am glad you are trying to move forward with your daughter. Know that if you have days that aren’t so good, that too is normal. But remember the days that were good for you and your daughter. Don’t beat yourself up for what is purely normal in your situation. You will get there. It is a journey that you will be able to complete if you want to. Good for you Jessica. I am so sorry you have to do this, but am so happy to sense that you are willing. Time does make it easier and distance from the abuser. Best of wishes
Yisraela
Wow I am very proud of you for turning him in to get the help he needs. That can be very hard. I disagree with tthe person who commented about people on this website being weak. The people on this site are the bravest and strongest people I know. If it hurts too bad to look back and you are to scared to look ahead. Look beside you as God is thee to help.
Firstly, consider that paedophilia need not be a psychological problem. A paedophile can be as normal as any homo-, hetero-, or bisexual person; in fact, paedophilia is a sexual preference, a sexual orientation like homosexuality, that is specific to the affected person and both genetically disposed and caused or nurtured by childhood experiences or other environmental factors. Not every paedophile will not be able to control his urges abusing children, and not everybody abusing children is a paedophile.
Secondly, whether paedophilia is a “normal” sexual orientation depends on what you treat as “normal”. 2000 years ago girls got married at the age of 12. Nowadays, puberty is constantly occuring earlier and earlier in life (a friend of mine, for instance, has had her menarche at the age of 6). Consequently, people now get sexually aroused by children and treated like paedophiles that would not have had these problems 100 years ago.
Thirdly, children must be protected against child abusers (who may be paedophiles or not). Therefore, “simply” decrying and denouncing paedophilia does not help anyone. If psychologists cannot find a way to “cure” it, you can still prevent paedophiles from becoming child abusers, for example by “feeding” them with drawn child pornography (that satisfies their urges and does not depend on any real abuse).
Maybe 100 – 2000 years ago is quite different than what is socially accepted now and we are talking about the USA. How can you possibly say it is as normal as homosexuality when child sexually abuse is not only against the law but also not generally consentual as the majority of cases of homosexuality or bisexuality. I love the way you downplay it but there is not a damn thing normal about an adult manipulating, brainwashing and taking advantage of a child causing severe trust issues, confusion and insecurities. What percentages of cases does child pornography actually cause more stimulation and increase the urges causing them to act on their fantasies. According to my brother in law enforcement it seems pretty well connected that the majority of child abusers have been found with a hard drive full of child pornography. Does drawn child porn satisfy urges more than internet child porn? Wonder why puberty is happening earlier, do you think it could have anything to do with our children being exposed to or experiencing sexual acts by family members or close family friends too early in their life causing them to expose other children to sexual behavior. It is really sick how much more common this is that people even know.
I just need to make some final comments. I think it is grand that Danny is trying to pass on knowledge, albeit in his own biased way. I know, that is only human, and his right to free speech. But, it makes me cringe how many people are asking his advice. Where is your common sense? It is very simple. Keep the abusers away from potential victims.
My heart goes out to the people who have been victimized, like you Elizabeth. Forgiveness is important. It becomes easier when you remember that the forgiveness is to ease your own heart. It does not mean to learn to love, or like the abuser. It does not mean you forget. You sound like a kind, loving human being. Don’t waste that on feeling sorry for pedophiles, so many of whom claim to be Saved, or cured, but then go on to commit the same crimes again and again. I mentioned you specifically because you broke my heart with your story. You speak of yourself as if you feel guilt. You were an innocent child. You are not the evil one. You had evil perpetrated upon you. It is very important in your healing process to see your child self as the victim. A part of us always retains some of the hurt child, but now, as an adult you can tell your inner child that it is safe, and protected. Then give yourself permission to take time for healing, because it does take time.
Love yourself, Elizabeth, and see yourself as the strong, and lovely human being you are now, in spite of what that monster did to you. There will be tears, and maybe more bad dreams, and in time that will subside. Someday you will feel strong enough, and that ability to forgive will happen. It sometimes takes more than one act of forgiving. It may have to be repeated many times. Do it for yourself. Your load will feel lighter. That will be when you refuse to accept the burden any longer that was unfairly placed upon you. I will pray to speed that day, and I am sending you healing, loving thoughts. May God bless, heal, and protect you from any further harm. Look for websites that promote healing, and give you spiritual guidance. Whether or not you believe in a Higher Power, investigate sites about things that will strengthen your body and give you energy, like yoga, or some sort of exercise. Learn about health giving foods. A strong, healthy body will support your spirit in healing also. Most of all, don’t neglect yourself, and take time to just relax and quiet your mind. Music and meditation are great for this. Again, I wish you love, the real kind, not the perverse kind talked about on this site. Be well.
As for you Danny, I wish you well also, but far, far away from any children!
Hi everyone, I’ve been reading these posts for a while now, just looking for council. I recently discovered my 19 year old brother was looking up child pornography. I’ve always had a black and white, and violent viewpoint on pedophilia, until I discovered this. I talked with him, that day, and he confessed, and then it occurred to me that he was a prisoner in his own mind. I dont think hes hurt anyone, as ive been told that he wasnt in that deep. If this is true, I cant be certain. the struggle for me is that our parents, both loving, supportive people, have become increasingly depressed, as their lives have been hard. I feel like my wonderful family is now a house of cards, and this news would topple it. I’m faced with the destruction of my life and all those I hold dear. My plan is to get him private treatment, but im not sure this is best. I feel like I have to sacrifice my family, my life, my soul… I feel like my world has become black with anguish and doubt. I love my brother, we were the closest brothers get. I would always brag about how indestructible we were, and then I discovered this. I feel a gulf growing, and its consuming me. I, I’m just without hope. one of the dearest parts of my life has slipped into nightmare… I dont know if anyone will read this, but it doesn’t matter. I love my brother, but I’m so very very broken, and now I worry for my parents. something has to be done, though, before the hurt of a victim is on my hands…
It is so good to hear that someone is willing to admit it and get help before someone gets hurt. I wish it were easier for more people to step up and get help to prevent others from getting hurt. Although your world is rocked right now, It is so much better than it could have been. Best of luck to you.
This site has been the most valuable encountered by Kelleher Newsdesk in our investigation of this subject.
We are currently trying to protect the vulnerable from a predatory paedophile cult now establishing itself in Benevent l’Abbaye, Central France. We have tracked Chris and Clare Godson from the time they fled to France (2004) from Ireland where they harmed a number of families with young daughters but managed to avoid detection for a very long time! By a system of blackmail and sexual inducement they disarmed the local Irish law enforcement, that has a history of turning a blind eye to terrible child abuse in any event!
Robert Cahill.
im sorry if you are easly offened, i am also a 15 year old girl
pedophiles are disgusting they may be the foulest creatures on the face of the planet not only do they preform one of the most disgusting acts on a child they also traumatized the poor child to doing the same things as it gets older, if i were a pedophile i would have killed myself.
I’ve been having sexual relations since I was 10 and I have no regrets and if anything, think back with smiles at some of my earliest encounters. Am I wrong for enjoying sex at a young age?
Are people really oblivious to what happens at a boys sleepover? Am I wrong for participating? If I could go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing. Am i wrong for this?
Once when I was 13 I had relations with someone who was 22 and I love miss them to this very day. Should I hate/fear this person? Am I wrong to have loved and still love the memory of our time together?
For me to be interested in and enjoying sex at a young age, is this truly wrong? Is masterbation at this age wrong?
Why is media allowed to target children with sexual music/movie and games? It’s acceptable for your 10 year old daughter to listen to Britney Spears sing about hardcore sex yet unimaginable that she might now desire certain things? Is this not all wrong?
Preteen-teens everywhere are obsessed with Justin Bieber and it has allot more to do then just the sexy love songs he sings, and yet he’s 16 and yet that’s acceptable in today’s society.
My point is sex is everywhere. It’s being shoved into our minds at a very early age as with swearing, lots of sexual interactions are happening at young ages and in most of these cases, they are just a part of life and have no detrimental effect.
Most of my guy friends had encounters from the age of about 12 and all are now married. Myself I had lots of fun when i was young and never did I think of myself as a victim. Am I wrong for this?
It is intriguing that research is now discovering physiological correlates as well as histories of abuse in pedophiles. Perhaps down the road there may be ways to predict or at least more successfully treat these types of offenders.